Can I get a dropped 5 minutes into the episode?

Updating tomorrow with Ga-Rei Zero, Kemeko DX, Gundam 00, (maybe) Tales of the Abyss and (maybe) Hakushaku to Yosei.

"Das einzige, was sie im Moment interessierte war das entstellte Gesicht des Jokers genau vor ihrem.
Die schwarz geschminkten, funkelnden Augen, die sie irre, aber voller Lebensfreude ansahen. Wunderschöne tief braune, fast schwarze Augen."

aus The Joker's Love von Apovelation

When I bought my house 5 years ago, I insisted on having a single family home so I could have some space between me and my neighbors.  I never realized that the space between our houses wasn't enough to block out all their god damned shenanigans.  Little Tragedy spends half of her time in her backyard driving me to drink.  She's so freaking loud all the god damned time!

There she goes again!! "Ohhhhhhhh ooooooooooooooo!!  Ohhhhhhhhhhhh oooooooooooo!"  I think it's code for, "Someone!  Anyone!!  Please beat me with a shoe!  Or perhaps throw a rock at me."  Stupid kid!!  She's clearly doing it to try to harass my dog.  She probably still hates him because he bit her once.  Obviously, he sensed she was missing some brain cells and chose to attack.

I'm hungover, I'm tired, and the last god damned thing I want to hear right now is some stupid kid howling and barking like a god damned dog.  As a matter of fact, I don't even want to hear my own dog howling and barking.  That's just unnecessary.

At this point, the only thing that is saving her is the fact that if I move, I might throw up.  The whole world is spinning around me.  No doubt this is due to all of the alcohol that I consumed yesterday.  Perhaps I should just power through, go outside to yell at her, and throw up on her instead.  That'll show the little bitch.

All this noise is giving me a headache.

Awesome, now her mother is yelling in the front yard.  I fucking hate my life sometimes.  Can't people just be quiet when I have the cocktail flu?

Anyway, he called me and emailed me twice today. In the space of one hour. Typical F.O.B. type behaviour. He's got random, intermittent obsessive tendencies. He's not normal.

The F.O.B was in good spirits. Positively chipper. More than usual. He sounded high as a kite. Full of glee and a certain fat-cat happiness that you get when business is really, really good. He told me all about this deal and that deal, in fact five deals all coming together this week all at once.

I forget the details, it all went way over my head. I don't have the head any more for business, not now I'm a sleep-deprived single mum. But even if my brain were working like it used to (before baby) I don't understand the oil business. At least not the part he's involved with. It's very complicated. And not exactly a woman's domain. I bet if I went to any one of the F.O.B.s board meetings I'd be the only chick there. Well, truth told there'd probably be a few women in the background taking notes, making the tea and generally doing all the grunge, dogsbody work for peanut pay. But no women in positions of power. Not in the oil industry. It's the last bastion of patriarchy.

Everythings going swimmingly, darling, swimmingly the F.O.B. told me with great satisfaction. I assume that means he's about to make even more than a mint than usual. He was charming and polite, a wonderful gent saying all the right things, making me feel like a queen. That's how I fell in love with him.

So if he was so nice, why do I feel this pit of anxiety in my stomach? Why are my jaws and fists clenched, all poised to scream and punch? It has to be do with the fact that while he's nice as pie on the phone, all benign superficial banalities, his emails (which I didn't read until after I got off the phone) seem to have hidden thorns hidden between the lines.

He writes how much he's looking forward to coming to see me next month, and that he's going to make one big settlement, so that we can go our separate ways. What the hell does that mean? He can't just bugger off by paying me off. That's what he tried to do when I first told him I was pregnant. He offered me $200,000 to terminate. I still can't believe it. Shocking.

He then says we'll be meeting with the mediator, and that of course, we will need to see the "forensic accounts"? WTF? Forensic accounts?  What the hell is he talking about? I thought we were moving to mediation to reach an amicable child support settlement. Who hired a forensic accountant? His lawyer? Why wasn't I told about this before??

I just know that the F.O.B. is going to pull some stunt to show how he doesn't earn that much money, and therefore is only legally obliged to pay me and bunny a pittance. But of course then he'll then give me some moving story about how he's happy to top that up to something more reasonable, because he's such a generous man, so long as he doesn't create an "unhealthy dependency" with me and the baby. It's such bullshit.

I've got him pegged. He's unpredictable in some ways, but right here with this child support thing, I know his game. He's going to try and pull the wool over my eyes, and then shaft me. I just know it. I'm not having it. I won't play the game. It just isn't cricket, dammit.

I can remember back to my senior year in college, when I was the director for the Columbia University Gospel Choir.  Our Monday and Wednesday rehearsals were kicking my butt (with the help of overdue papers and upcoming exams).  But one Monday in February, after spending an hour learning a popular new song to teach, I went chugging along - off to rehearsal.  As the choir dragged into the Red Room (basement) of St. Paul's Chapel, it appeared that they were tired from exams also.  But I was so excited about my new song and hardly noticed.  The first song of the night was a ballad.  I taught the vocal parts in a hurry and then broke out with the song, "More like Him".  Normally, the choir liked songs like these but tonight was an exception.  It took about 10 minutes for them to catch the first line.  And then in the middle of rehearsal, an alto looked at me and said "Thomas...I don't like this song!"  Not emotionally neutral enough to respond sensibly (not to mention having no sales ability at the time), I slammed the piano back in its place against the rear wall and growled, "We're done for tonight."  The choir members just sat in their seats, stunned at my outburst.   

I wish I could say that everyone in the Columbia choir came back to the Red Room on that Wednesday night and forgave me for the previous rehearsal.  But that is not what happened at all. 

(continue reading...)

At the beginning of September, we started with over 60 students.  By mid-February, we were down to 20.  My angry action and cutting statement cost me over half of my choir members.   

When you pour your life into what you do, it's easy to get angry when your team members fail to match the level of passion that you have.  And sometimes, they will even insult your attempts to reach out to them.  Their behavior may even cause you to become angry.  But here is what most people do not consider:  there is nothing wrong with being angry.  Simply put, anger is an intense reaction to something that displeases you.  Nothing more, nothing less.  The emotion itself presents no problem.  The danger comes in when anger has a negative sentiment attached to it or a distasteful action that follows it.     

Righteous anger can move you to positive action.  For instance, homelessness makes some people angry.  These same people have a choice in how they take action against homelessness.  One person may choose to have the homeless arrested.  Another may volunteer at a homeless shelter.  Someone else may open a center to house the homeless and help them look for jobs.  In any case, righteous anger acts as a sringboard for positive action.    

It's easy to become angry and make the wrong decisions.  But you have the power to choose what action follows your anger.  Anger, like passion, is a pretty neutral affair.  Just like passion can turn into love or hate, anger can cause either positive or negative effects.  It's up to you to figure out why you're angry.  Finding the root allows you to follow up your anger with right steps.

This post was inspired by "Anger: Tempering Your Termperament" in the book Checklist for Life for Leaders. 

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If that's how they want to do it with the episode count, I'll play along. Though it's stupid. Make it Doki or make it episode 52. Don't do both!!!

That aside...are they serious!? It's another damn recap. And it's more recap than ever before! *pissed* They recapped the entire series so far! From the beginning!

I am pissed off. It's only been like...eight episodes since Kokoro no Kirameki. Then they do this!? This is even worse than Kokoro no Sketch!!! My god! Even if it's a sequel or a new season or whatever, you don't have the first episode be just a recap episode! *throws something* There wasn't even a "Kokoro no" to warn us! Not fair!

God, and you think I'm pissed now? Dumbass question mark egg and Satelight's new "villain" don't show up until episode 54 or something. I totally saw this coming, but I thought they'd just add someone new to Easter who did stuff with X-eggs. No idea what this question mark crap is. But come on...they should try to stick with the material a little more instead of making up random crap.

At least I'm getting my Rimahiko now. *happy sigh* Oh that made me feel better immediately. They're so cute together! I'm so glad Nagihiko is coming back now! >_<

Now then, a bit of news. The late night Shugo Chara! is just replaying the first season with brief scenes from an upcoming episode of Doki at the end. Really, nothing special.

-----

OP & ED

Opening - Minna no Tamago (Shugo Chara Egg)

The live version of this song sounded better. The girls were more energetic. Here it just sounds boring and some of the accompanying visuals just gave me that automatic, "...lame." reaction.

To be fair, when I watched the OP I already knew about the episode being a recap, so I was in a grumpy mood anyway, but it's still my least favorite OP. It's like...could they have made my Cool & Spicy anime any more generic? The shots introducing my characters were fine (though the words gave me sort of a "wtf?" feeling), but meh to everything else. Including making Cool & Spicy Amu dance like that.

Wait, especially making Amu dance like that. It reminded me of the Full Moon opening when they made Amu dance. Mitsuki (anime Mitsuki anyway) might dance like that. Amu? No. Just...no. So, out of character. At least make her chara-changed with Ran or something!

It really felt like I was watching an OP for some other kiddy anime instead of Shugo Chara!. At least the good news is that the stupid "All kids..." opening is gone. Now Amu's charas say some random stuff instead.

*sigh* Move on to the positive now. My favorite shots from the OP should be obvious. Any shot that included a favorite characters (aside from Amu) is a favorite shot. The Ikuto ones especially. They made me laugh, because it's just so like him. Tease Amu, make her all dokidoki, and then leave her to deal with the consequences. That's how you keep a tsunderekko in check! Tadase on the other hand was the dokidoki one for their shot (seriously guys...).

I was also pleased that Rima and Nagihiko were put together. Makes me smile~! Especially suspicious Rima! Oh I can't wait until Nagihiko appears! I demand Rimahiko fillers!

Oh and as far as anime villain girl, there's info on her. Her name is Lulu (on livejournal we do not find her worthy of that name) and her chara's name is Nana. I already hate her. I don't care if she'll be "good" later on. She's a useless character just taking up screentime with freakin' question mark eggs. I'm not pleased at all. At least she was kept out of the groups shots.

But we don't want to end on a bad note to...Eru~! She's not a big part of the story anymore, so she got less time, but she's still there. And I'm glad because I love my Eru-run~!

-

Ending - Lotta Love Lotta Love (Buono!)

lol. Seems like Rottara is engrish for Lotta Love. What the hell. ^_^;

It was a really cute sequence with Amu's charas trying to wake her up and Amu dreaming...about characters scrolling by (lol). It was definitely cute though. Even though I have to poke a little fun at it.

"Lotta Love" seems to be a new favorite from Buono! for me. Gachinko De Ikou! was the current favorite, so Buono! just keeps getting better, don't they? Ah, I love those girls.

Rima and Nagihiko grouped together again btw. Had to specially cap them also because it makes me happy.

I'm also glad to see Kukai in the ED, even though he wasn't in the OP. It made me worry that he might not show up this season, but that's certainly not true after seeing him in the ED. (BTW, I was also glad to see Utau's place in the OPs and EDs weren't reduced since I was worried about her appearing a lot less this season also.)

The ED was definitely the best part of watching this episode for me. Which says a lot for the ED, but not much for the actual episode. It brought back the old Shugo Chara! feeling that seems to be missing from the rest of the episode (excluding that shot of Lulu messing up my shot of Utau). It's the good music we've come to love and all the characters are acting like their usual selves. Much better and definitely the most enjoyable thing about this episode.

-----

Summary

Dia comes back temporarily for a recap. She just talks to the charas. I was right like always.

Now then, we'll just go over the main points (but really, anything important about the episode can be summed up above).

• Kiseki is holding one of his usual "Taking over the world" meetings with all the guardians' charas plus Eru and Iru. Talks about how they almost got the embryo and need to find it again.
• Then the charas all want to hear a story from Kiseki (wtf random) and just when he comes up with one, Dia comes out of her egg very undramatically. "To play" with everyone it seems.
• Dia wants to hear a story too, but she wants to hear about all the things that happened before she was around (or something) and so begins our recap.
• Ran, Miki, and Su all narrate their own stories and you can tell what's going on, because it's all from previous episodes.
• After Su finishes her story, Ran Miki and Su start picking on each other and fighting. Dia gets them to stop easily and everyone gets along again.
• Then the Ran, Miki, and Su say something about Amu and all the other charas add in about their owners (or whatever you'd call them) being great too or something weird. This leads to recaps on some Guardians stuff. All the way up to Kairi leaving.
• Then there charas say something about seeing everyone again (I really don't know) and they even get to see Dia that day. Then there's a Dia recap.
• Then they talk about everyone's shine and the recaps seem to be over.
• The Guardians get out of school and the charas try to show Amu Dia, but she's already back in her egg.
• When asked what they did that day, Amu's charas say that Kiseki told them a story and everyone else wants to hear it. With all these expectations (especially Rima who turns into Miss "Comedy is srs bsns").
• Tadase makes them stop, but just to say that they should have some tea also. And the episode ends with poor Kiseki floating away as a ghost.

...Dude. Nothing happened this episode. It really can just be summed up as: Dia came out of her egg to hear what happened when she wasn't around from the other charas. Then she went back in her egg and no one but the charas even know she was out and about.

Now, I call some fillers pointless...but honestly. This did nothing in terms of the plot. Wow.

-----

Thoughts

As soon as I saw the screencaps I swear to god I started going through the five stages of grief. Denial and Anger went hand in hand with my first tweet. I suppose the second one could be seen as bargaining (and more anger). Then I'd say this was depression (as depressed as I'd really get over something like this anyway).

More anger can be seen everywhere...but that's just how I am. I've accepted this crap into my life. Just because of next week's episode though. So let's hurry it along with this week. (Thank god for the OP & ED, because I really have nothing to say this week.)

They finally did it. An episode that is just chara antics. I didn't even bother trying to translate most of this stuff. I just put down stuff I already knew in the summary. So that's probably less accurate than usual btw.

You know, I would have been okay with a chara episode that had Eru...but stupid recap ruined everything.

Oh well...Eru~! I love you Angel of Love!

You know, even if it's just for this episode, Satelight could have tried to make Dia's appearance more dramatic. This really was such a waste of time. I love Dia and she deserves better than being the plot device for a stupid recap.

Heh...this argument was kind of funny actually. Dia ended it quickly by being her sweet, sparkly, shiny self though. Yay Dia~!

Eru...looks...so...cool! Ah! I love that adorable angel chara! Eru~! Eru~! Eru~! But too bad...this is the end of her screencaps, she didn't get to appear much in between all the recap. (I hate you Satelight!!!)

Aw, I love you Dia. You're so sweet when you smile. You're definitely Amu's best chara. I just hope that Satelight doesn't abuse you again just because they don't know what the hell they're doing. Come back when Amu shines instead.

Oh okay. There is one more shot of Eru (she just isn't the focus). Eru, I think your shine is beautiful (but your Utau's chara, so that's obvious).

Also...heh, this image just randomly made me think...Kiseki's got a harem this season, doesn't he? No other male charas around most of the time. Just Yoru (who will probably steal all his haremettes anyway, if they're anything like their masters...he.).

And...Dia's back in her egg. Just like that. Congratulations everyone! You wasted about twenty minutes of your life that you'll never get back! Don't you just love Shugo Chara!! Doki so far?

Ah, I love srs bsns Rima. So cute.

Kiseki doesn't seem to agree though. Poor king just can't win. Even Tadase didn't help him.

Ah, Dia...the only reasonable chara. And that just makes her cuter.

Come back when Amu shines, Dia~!

Oh yeah and these are the new eyecatches. I'm kind of hoping the second one changes every so often so they can at least show off the other chara-nari items, but somehow I doubt it.

If Satelight had their way, Amulet Heart would be the only chara-nari in this show...

-----

Preview

Hmmm...a memorable place, huh? I recognize it and this means, Amuto~! In the rain too~!

Perhaps with Ikuto's kitty scene coming back too! (I saw the First King anyway.) It looks like Amu might be getting her roller blades for Amulet Heart too (though that's just pure guessing).

But who cares? Ikuto's back to negate the lameness of this season with his awesomeness. And we get Amuto!!!

Haha. Been a while since we've seen that! Yeah, I'm looking forward to next week. I'm no longer excited about the anime since the recap killed that, but Amuto makes me happy.

Too bad Tadase is going to end up being there somehow too. I mean, I understand that they need to satisfy the Tadamu fans a little, but come on. It's not his special place. But whatever...Amuto is good enough for me.

Oh yeah, notice the changed border? I kinda like it...the only new thing about Doki that I like so far...

Today's..er..Friday's..movie is 28 Days Later, Danny Boyle's post-apocalyptic sorta-zombie-but-not-really tour de force. The story basically tells of survivors of the accidental release of the ridiculously contagious 'rage' virus upon London and the chaos and devistation that has since ensued. This film is awesome, not just because the story is cool, but also thanks to the hauntingly eerie shots of an absolutely empty London that they had. They did such a fantastic job conveying the bleakness and magnitude of the situation, it really gives you this 'oh shit' feeling as you watch it. And I'd be remissed if  I didn't mention how cool inclusion of the Godspeed You Black Emperor song 'East Hastings' was in the film. The scene with the song playing as he starts to look around the desolate city is the bomb. It's just a flat out cool, creepy, and creative movie.  If somehow you haven't seen it, change that.  (but don't watch the sequel, it didn't do much for me)

I was wrong.

Twenty four minutes into my delicious nap, the familiar beat restarted.  I jolted awake, released the teddy bear from my sweet embrace and threw off my sleep mask - it had begun...again.  I lay there imagining how this bizarre blend of Mortal Kombat and The Party Boy Song could appeal to anyone.  My body filled with a hot rage.  My senses sharpened.  Each sound became more pronounced.  It was fight or flight.

Previously I had chosen to remain silent during you solitary afternoon grunt-and-cough-fests due to some deeply held delusion that your noisy days forgave my auditory sins at night.  But today, today it was on.

Well, after I peed.

You were clearly in your bathroom, still enjoying one minute samples of each vile song.  I decided that yelling at you from my toilet was lacking in dignity, and if there's one thing that the Kitten PJ's I was sporting represented, it's dignity.

Instead, I repeatedly attempted to slam the bathroom door.  Unfortunately, it appears that it is impossible to make a reasonable noise with that door-frame combo.  I moved to the bedroom, the scene of the bass-y crime.  Somehow in the delay from bathroom to bedroom, I became increasingly crazed.  I slammed that motherfucker a solid four times before the adrenaline coursing through my nap-desperate veins tookits full, crazy control.  I stormed into the bedroom, grabbed my full length Wal-Mart mirror and sought my revenge.  Swinging the mirror around like only an irate lady in Kitten PJ's can, I hit the ceiling.  Then the closet and finally the wall.  Letting out a groan of frustration, I dented that wall in the most embarassingly pitiful manifestation of rage I have ever been witness to.

I half expected a response to this insanity, but was answered only by the same stupid beat.  It was time to wreak some actual havoc.  In a frenzy, I stormed out to the living room and grabbed my ipod.  With little ability to select a suitable song for revenge, I found Fall Out Boy (?!) and cranked it a level that was totally unbearable.  I then spent 20 minutes suffering through music at a volume I could barely stand myself.

The techno has stopped, but my mission has not.  How will the battle take shape from here?  I imagine an army of crazies in standard issue Kitten PJ's toting Wal-Mart mirrors taking to the streets...

I have another book coming to me thanks to Mini Book Expo.com http://www.minibookexpo.com/
Within four weeks or less, I should be receiving a copy of Rage, The True Story of a Sibling Murder By Jerry Langton.

I look forward to reading and reviewing this book

A series a felt a little confused about, and a series that looked very amazing despite the split-studio kerfuffle.

A School Comedy, Hyakko seemed pretty decent in the first episode. Even with Aya Hirano (whose voice in this is pretty cute), Michiko Neya, Fumiko Orikasa and Yurika Ochiai (ordered respective to their pictures above), this seems to have been relatively low-scale judging by the lack of conversation from IRC. I'm not a massive fan of Hirano, but her voice in this was somewhat unrecognisable (it took me a while to get it was hers, but then again I wasn't paying attention) which is probably a good thing. Not a lot happened in the episode, and it wasn't particularly hilarious, but it's more of a slice of life kind of comedy than a fast-paced gag kind of comedy. I'll be continuing this for at least two more episodes, because it seems decent at the moment.
7/10

-

Shikabane Hime (Corpse Princess) seemed to interest many people I have spoken to, but they all expressed their disappointment at the announcement that the second season (Kuro) was to be done by Feel, who would not be able to outdo GAINAX's season one (Aka). However, I can say this, I was not impressed at all. I'm on the verge of dropping it, but I'll give it another episode (maybe two if I'm generous). Most of this episode was incredibly boring and brightened only by Fujikei. As for the main characters, their voices are horrible. The single action scene was pretty lame, and the animation was nothing fabulous either. I don't think it'd be hard for Feel to top this.

4.5/10

-

Tomorrow, Yozakura Quartet blog and first impressions of Kuroshitsuji, Akaneiro, ToTA and Linebarrels.

There is so much untapped rage inside me.

I should really think about doing something constructive with it.

Meh.

Puis mettez mon nom de citoyenne associé à mon courriel de blogue. Juste question de me montrer à quel point vous n'avez aucun respect pour mon désir d'anonymat. 

Assurez-vous que dans le courriel collectif, il se trouve d'autres blogueurs qui me sont antipathiques. (Qui sont peut-être aussi fâchés que moi d'avoir vu leur vrai nom associé également à leur adresse de blogue.) 

Vous avez maintenant la recette pour me gâcher ma journée comme il faut et me donner le goût de fermer mon blogue. 

Je suis tellement enragée noire, vous n'avez aucune idée. 

Je ne sais vraiment pas ce que je vais faire. Je ne peux vraiment pas me permettre de tels glissements. 

J'ai travaillé fort pour bâtir cet espace. Me bâtir une réputation. Un lectorat. 

J'ai les larmes aux yeux en ce moment. Je... arrrrrgggggghhhhhh.

Mais vous avez le droit de ne pas comprendre. Dans le fond, c'était peut-être juste à moi de faire attention. Moi qui a tant de difficulté à faire confiance...

*EDIT* 4 octobre : La crise est désamorcée. Je voyais ça pire que c'était. (J'apprécierais quand même qu'une telle chose ne se reproduise plus!) Je ne pense pas que les conséquences seront aussi graves que je ne l'aurais imaginé. La Terre continue de tourner. Merci pour vos commentaires, même à celui qui jugeait que c'était des enfantillages. Tout le monde a droit à ses opinions ;)

Yeah. Turns out the thing that would finally get me to post is Nintendo having a conference. Here are my opinions of what was announced.
(Updated with unexpected Chibi-Robo news)

Things that made me happy

Mario & Luigi 3 - Although I never got round to completing them, the first two were ace games.
Wii Storage Solution - It's something that should have been there from launch but I'm glad they are getting round to it
Another Code Wii - The DS one was one of those really good but really short games (I swear they should make this it's own genre. Portal and Braid would be better games of this genre)

Things that made me confused
Pikmin and Donkey Kong Jungle Beat re-releases - Why? Just make a new Pikmin damnit.

Things that made me rage on a galactic scale

DSi
Nintendo, I wouldn't care if you just made a new DS with music playing capabilities (Also what the fuck are they thinking with AACs, are they best friends with Apple now?), a camera and a built in browser. But no, you have to add the feature to download games, meaning that I now either miss out on games or I shell out for a new DS. ALSO, if I were to get the DSi, I can't trade in my Lite for it BECAUSE YOU TOOK OUT THE GBA PORT. WHAT THE FUCK. Not only does this make games like Guitar Hero now incompatible, but it means if I were to upgrade I can't transfer Pokemon from my GBA games to the DS ones. AND SINCE NINTENDO ARE GOING TO WANT TO PUSH THE DSi, THEY WON'T HAVE GBA CONNECTIVITY IN ANY FUTURE DS GAMES. Way to fuck up any future DS Pokemon games.

On a side note I'll try and get round to posting room pics tonight.

UPDATE
Just read this on Joystiq:
"This Christmas, Japanese gamers will be able to waggle flowery lemmings to their hearts content. Nintendo has announced (via IGN) that the Pikmin remake for Wii will launch December 25 in Japan for 3,800 yen (approx. US $36). The game is part of Nintendo's new "Play for Wii" series, which will be a collection of GameCube titles revised with Wii controls.

Before Pikmin (and not counting previous Wii remake Resident Evil 4), Nintendo will re-release Donkey Kong Jungle Beat on December 11. Upcoming titles in the collection include Chibi Robo, Pikmin 2, Mario Tennis GC, Metroid Prime, and Metroid Prime 2 Dark Echoes. No word on any release dates outside of Japan, but we'll be live at Nintendo of America's press conference in San Francisco later today."

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Thought I might make a list of the Likes and Dislikes, etc, but that would be tiring.
Another day, then ~

I had been working hard and tried to learn new things in the office but somehow someone sometimes disagreed with my strategies of work. Getting along with the onsite engineers and she will said, "You will spoiled them. If do not accept the job then let me know." I am pretty sick with those statement. Why can't I get along with them? Frankly speaking, for so long I had been working in the desk, all my new knowledges are basically obtained from the engineers. Yea, I do not denied that sometimes that they are a little bit bossy but they are willing to help. I do not understand that why she need to hold on the rules of the games for so tight. Why can't she just think something out of the box rather than sticking her head inside the box?

Though I am just merely 3months started to take up calls and tried my very best to settle cases but somehow I feel that the rule of the game for this job is just to cover my ass before things get out of the control. Even though there is a lead in the team but frankly speaking, I do not see any direction for improvement at all. Asked us to speak up any idea to contribute but I guess it is useless and things will remain the same. If want to have improvement, things have to change drastically.

I tried to stay focus in my job and learn as much as possible. I tried to be all rounder and I tried to be helpful in the team but others are not contributing in.

I do miss those days I work tirelessly and I am full with rage. Somehow I miss those days I worked with one of ex-colleague that I really appreciate what he had done for me.

One day, if my rage is awaken again in the office, I hope I won't make a mess for everyone.

Now I'm not about to attempt to argue that Junjou Romantica is some masterpiece of anime that everyone needs to watch. Quite the contrary, it's mindless fanservice. But for fuck's sake people, if you don't like it just don't watch it! There's no need for this stupid hostility. Why aren't us girls allowed to have one fanservice anime every once in a while when you asshats get 5+ a season? I don't go out of my way to say shit like "Strike Witches? I'm not letting that loli-shit any where near my harddrive! That they even made it disgusts me." (Though personally I think that's a mildly more reasonable opinion than saying the same about Junjou Romantica just because Strike Witches is decidedly more exploitive and the reaction to Junjou is based more in "OH NO! HOMOS! GET IT AWAY!", but whatever, I'm not about to bitch about what other people like to fap to). 

And it's not even just in whatever BL or yaoi fanservice anime that exist, it's whenever there are attractive male character designs put into a show to draw in female fans. For fuck's sake how many anime have you seen that DIDN'T have an attractive male lead? Ah, but if the girls complain about panty shots and giant torpedo boobs that's just not allowed. We're whiny feminists if we do that. But oooh no, the Gundam boys are too pretty, we just can't have that. 

tl;dr Boys are stupid insecure faggots.

[EDIT]
After reading some more shitty blogs today, I just feel the need to reiterate THAT I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE WHO BASH 00 FOR THE MALE CHARACTER DESIGNS. Fucking hell, I don't really even care that they don't like 00 it's the stupid reasons that they go out of their way to bash it that makes me hate them. And I simply cannot understand how the same people that genuinely like Code Geass and Macross Frontier can say that 00 has too many pretty boys (DID YOU EVEN LOOK AT THE SCREEN WHILE YOU WERE WATCHING GEASS? AND IN FRONTIER ALTO'S A FUCKING TRAP) RAAAGGGEEEE

- Woody Allen

At last weeks visit we wrangled with the whole idea of my destructive inner voice. I told Dr. K that I always felt I was special and that was sort of like the consolation prize for my fubar upbringing. "Special how?" he queried. "Well I was smart, I could have used that to do better with myself." I murmured. "Do what better with yourself?" he asked. "Well, I could have done better in school, I could have made better decisions." I said. "Well you make it sound like you were in a vacuum, or a bubble. Here you are this little kid surrounded by chaos and abuse, but somehow you were supposed to make good choices and decisions. It's like expecting a plant with no water to become a tree." "Well I was smart, I knew better" I fumble along, "do you think that sounds," my brain runs through several options, vain, no, delusion of grandeur, no, oh how about, "do you think that sounds grandiose?" Dr. K. looks at me with a thoughtful expression. "Grandiose, hmm, maybe, well what do you lose if you don't think this way? I think that's the question." What do I lose, what do I lose? I don't know the answer. "Lets pick this up next week." Dr K. says.

I go home and after I do my homework I start thinking about that word grandiose. I Google grandiose thinking, and grandiose ideation. What comes up in the search engine really sets me off. Before I know it I am reading about transference, counter transference, resistance, narcissism. I realize that Dr.K and I are in a well choreographed dance and these principles are in motion. I am muddling through this process semi-blind and my subconscious is dictating my body language, my dreams, my emotions. The slightly embarrassing aspect is that Dr. K is fully aware of what is going on. Then I am gripped by the fear that he thinks I am being coy, why would I use the word grandiose? I start to wonder what he thinks of the things I say in the sessions and if he believes me. I suddenly feel as if I have eaten of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and I realize I am naked. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. I obsess that my knowledge of the underpinnings of my therapy will jeopardize the work we are doing, or will it enhance it?

I drive my husband crazy for a week. I can't sleep well. I have a nightmare that I am in session and I have a flashback about my mother. In the dream I am shaking my head back and forth and saying no, then I have a grand mal seizure. I wake up several times because I am grinding my teeth and clenching my fists and trembling. I could not wait for my visit today. I ramble through all of my manic research and epiphanies. Dr.K is very patient and somehow he keeps up with the thread of what I am trying to say. He tells me that when he asked me the question last week, I took it as my responsibility to figure out the answer and fix it and it has made me feel frantic and that was not the intent. He smiles and says I don't have to do anything, he says that twice. I try to just take that and let it go. I leave feeling much better and I go home and do my mother in law's hair. It is always a pleasure spending time with her.

I got a 99 on my math test for the first time in my life. Also my English Comp. professor mentioned that one of his students pointed out something in a Robert Frost poem that he never saw before and the student was right, that student was me! My 38th birthday was over the weekend. My psycho mom called me and texted me, when I didn't respond she sent me a picture of the famous black actress that she believes is her daughter and reminded me that she was her real oldest daughter. I would use the name of the actress but if my mom Googles her for some reason she would totally figure out this is my blog. My dad did not call me for my birthday. I haven't heard from him since the last unfortunate conversation. Actually he hasn't wished my kids a happy birthday this year either. After my mother in law left the phone rang and it was my dad. I am such a loser I thought he was calling to say happy belated birthday. He never mentioned it, I kept wanting to ask him if he called to say it but I felt too humiliated that I would have to ask that question in the first place.

Right off the bat he wanted to know if we can use the van to move a treadmill for him. Then he asked me about school, I told him my good news. He asked me about my sessions and this is where Masochisto the Pathetic Castaway Dog goes into full effect. I actually start talking about my session. I talk about how I realize that things are going so well because of the positive transference and how adept Dr. K is and how this is the most progress I've ever made in therapy and I realize I have to deal with the sense of loss of control. What was I hoping for? Can anyone tell me what the hell I even bothered for?  Maybe I just needed one more delicious boot to the head. Come on, you can kick harder than that can't you? Wait a minute I missed licking the steel toe, how about you knock out a few teeth for old time's sakes?

Well you know Wounded, at some point you are going to realize that all you have to do is face yourself and deal with who you really are and then this thing is going to go away, because no one is in control, nobody has control and we can have these facades of happy marriages, or religion, or whatever but nobody has control.

are you talking to me??!?!!?

So once you realize that this has nothing to do with your mother, the sooner you will get past this stuff because we all have these emotions and memories and things but that stuff isn't real. Plus we build things up in our head and they become worse then they really were..

Of course, living with a woman that thought ufo's visited her in her bedroom, a woman that thought cats could talk, a woman that heard secret messages in the ice cream truck music and made us take drugs with her and never sent us to school and tore my hair out and blacked my eyes and bloodied my nose and told us every graphic detail of her sex life, of course that has no relevance to my life right now...........

So you must know that the problem isn't your mother, the problem is you.

wtf?? Do you have a torch burning in your boxers for my mother or something?!?!?!wtf???

I can understand if you say that someone is overreacting or being dramatic about something that is trivial. But the children that come into my home that I care for, those children have been victims of criminal, unethical, immoral behavior. When those kids act out I don't tell them they are the problem. Their parents were the problem.

bastard, bastard,bastard,bastard,bastard,bastard,bastard,bastard,bastard,bastard,bastard

But what about when they grow up and they are adults, Wounded?

Well unless someone comes along and helps them understand that they have repressed rage and grief because none of their basic emotional needs were met then they grow up to be emotionally crippled adults that surround themselves with other emotionally crippled people!

We know that experts say people that are abused grow up and abuse their children and people that are raised by drug addicts abuse drugs.......

No, I am not giving someone a free pass or excuse to do criminal things, when you are an adult you are responsible for your behavior, I am talking about being deprived of nurturing, that is not someone's fault that is the parent's fault, if you've never seen it how will you know it?

smug, self-righteous, pompous, why are you so threatened by my therapy?!?!?!?!?!? I do not love you anymore, I refuse to let you hurt me anymore......

All I am saying is that if you can't love yourself and be at peace with yourself, you can't help anyone else, if you can't help yourself. No matter how many good things you do if it isn't motivated by love than it is nothing...

well what do you know, you wouldn't happen to be the fella that gave the sermon on the mount would you? oh no your my dad, the one that told my mom to get an abortion, the one who wasn't emotionally attached to me!

Actually I don't have a very high opinion of myself or love myself much but I do think my kids feel loved, I believe they know they are loved and my husband knows he is loved. I think I have done that successfully in spite of how I feel about myself.

Oh, I'm not talking about some affection or emotional feeling that our society defines as love, I'm talking about agape love, the universal power of love that comes from being one with yourself, I mean I'm not there yet but that's what I am shooting for.

well you sure missed the target buddy, agape my ass

I just think that you are not aware that you are on a journey to find yourself and I may not agree with the method but if your therapist is any kind of reputable therapist he would tell you that he has nothing to do with what you are doing, he would tell you it is you doing the work he is just a facilitator and I know in your opinion he is skilled but I don't know I guess that is your opinion.

I just think that you are not aware that I want to HURT you right now. Why are you dissing Dr.K? You don't even know him.  Why are you jealous that I am placing my trust in this man?

The therapist is not the reason the therapy is successful, it's because of the level you are on right now.

Level two: abandoned mulattoes with low self esteem and repressed anger and memories, going up.

Anyway, you have come a long way, and you know the way I feel about you...

Yup, you think I am a woman that blames her mommy for everything.

No I don't. I know you probably blame yourself, that's what abused children do, they take it on themselves.

abused children kill their parents sometimes daddy, really they do.

You know I don't talk to 95% of the people I talk to the way I talk with you.

That's because they would kick your ass

OK I hope I didn't bring you down too much poopsie

Oh, it's ok (I really actually said that! F**K!)

But that's who I am now, I've been like this for 15 years and I like myself and I am happy. Talk to you later, don't forget to ask your husband about the treadmill.

whoop dee friggin doo

I am so happy that you are my biological father, it fills me with such pride. Please tell me why of all the insane black vaginas, in all of the bedrooms, in all of the world you had to inseminate hers?  Hooray for me, oh do I know how to whistle? Of course, I just put  my lips together and blow. And of course you are happy and don't regret a thing as you have told me over and over and over again, ad nauseum.

I guess I was just feeling too pleased with myself today.

:-(