I have a problem that I could use some help with. I don't feel like sex with the Mrs unless I'm drunk, but if I've consumed enough booze (and even if watched Missy Does KL), I can't stay hard? Any tips for me?

Sincerely,
Vincent

Dr. Bungga Replies:

Worry not! Your problem is not uncommon. Looking at your issue logically, you need to do one of three things:

1) Find a way to have intercourse with your wife while sober. Try a style where you do not have to see her face - doggy works well. As my good friend The Frechman says: "Every face has it's position!" Otherwise total darkness or a paper bag on her head (or, to play safe, both) might make the deed more palatable.

2) Find a way to maintain your erection even after a few drinks. One option would be what is known in the adult entertainment trade as a "fluffer", which is typically someone to keep the male lead hard in the build up to a scene or in between shoots. In your case, this might be the last drink in a place where luscious young ladies massage your testicles lovingly while you sip a cold one. Just be sure not to reach climax, then run home in the hope that your arousal will last long enough to perform your husbandly duties. Alternatively, try drinking different kinds of alcohol - beer and whisky might make you droop, but rum and tequila should put some lead in the old pencil (they always work for me).

3) Get a divorce and marry someone more attractive!

Good luck!

I'm taking a page from another geographically-based mommy blogger, Scribbit, and publishing my list of stuff we're doing this summer. Most of it is Vegas-specific. But, let's face it, sometimes you just need a change of pace when it's 110+ outside.

1. Taking the kids on their first camping trips. One with some friends with a son six months older than Boo and one with my big brother and his family. Not sure where we're going. Stay tuned.
2. Going to the condo in Southern Utah. It may be a couple trip. It may be the whole fam damily. If we get lucky, we'll do both.
3. Hanging out with 700 married couples and 75 priests. A weird swinger's weekend? Nope, wrong cult. This time it's the WWME International Convention.
4. Taking the kids to a summertime activity at the Las Vegas Springs Preserve. We're annual pass holders and the museums are a great way to beat the heat. There's lots of free stuff you can do - kids' concerts, special crafts, the trails, the farmer's market. It's one of Vegas' (inadvertent) best kept secrets.
5. Chaperone one of Boo's school summertime field trips. We can mark this one as done. I helped to shepherd about 15 three- and four-year olds through the Lied Children's Discovery Museum. Lots of bubbletacular fun.
6. Have a pool party for Boo's preschool classmates, teachers, and their families. She'll be starting a new school next year. She's been with many of her friends for the last two and a half years - that's more than half her life at this point. We need to have a good send-off.
7. Take the kids to the beach. I'm a Cali girl by birth. I need to get my toes into some real sand and make some drip castles with my kids.
8. Paint our bedroom. We've been in this house for nearly five years. I just can't take the rose-colored textured wallpaper adorning our master suite any more. With my niece and nephew in town, I'll be ready to take on my 20'+ cathedral ceilings. Heck, they're not my kids and, they're teenagers - they still bounce.
9. Take Doodle to a Gymboree class or something else that's only age-appropriate for him. He gets dragged along to all of Boo's stuff. He's a pretty good sport, but I feel bad that Boo gets her way more because she's more articulate about her needs. Hmmm...wait a minute. If he gets fed up, maybe he'll start talking more....
10. Blind the kids with patriotism and homespun fun. We're looking to go to a 4th of July Parade, County Fair and or some other small-town-like ice cream social. I've heard they have such thing in our Stepford-like suburbs. I can't wait to crash the party.
11. Stack some blocks. We've never been to Legoland. I'm told that Boo's at a prime age and we've heard rave reviews. It also has a water park. Any time I can get my kids wet without feeling guilty about the water we're using is a good thing. By the time we get there, though, I may be feeling more guilty about the gas.
12. Take Boo on her first movie "double date." She's been going steady with All of Us' LW since birth. It's time they made the move from Sesame Street Live to Kung Fu Panda. We'll see if we can get them to share popcorn. Beware of cooties.
13. Spend time with family. Between health issues and what seems like one crisis after another, we need to huddle in and reconnect with many members of our immediate and extended family. In Alaska, Scribbit gets house-bound in the winter, the heat drives us indoors in the summer. Close the blinds, crank the A/C and get out the games folks. The heat's on!

In his view, his flowery words seemed to project a man of confidence and surety.  He stood there stunned by her sudden burst of desire to feel real love.  His words, it seemed, fell short of what it was she truly needed to hear.....his feelings...his real feelings.

What in the world was he going to do now?

Love....we make involving our Self with it so very hard.  We believe Love, Real Love to be a complex set of situations like rocket science.  For the most part, its really not entirely our fault.  After all, we are not really taught how love and the intimacy that goes along with it really works.  So, when we are faced with a significant other urging us to express how we truly feel....and we have been taught to avoid "feelings," we are left standing between the preverbial rock and the hard place.

1. The Rock.....REAL LOVE
2. The Hard Place....The version and vision of love we'd been taught to THINK as real, BUT, It's a lie.

Where do the teachings of love being soooo hard to comprehend start.  Well, there are a lot of places such beliefs are proffered.  In my life, the "hard to comprehend" theory behind love originated in my religious education classes.  I can not tell you  how many times, over the years, I have heard some version of "the Lord's ways fool the wise."

For instance, I recently read a blog where it was stated, "The gospel is not easily comprehended… as a result, we must meditate on it continuously and make the Cross central to our understanding of scripture.”  In other words, Love is hard and you must suffer to enjoy it...So, get your cross out and start suffering to be loved.

How silly!

I have come to understand the gospel message to be pretty simple stuff. “Love your neighbor as you would love your Self” is pretty easy to comprehend. Unfortunately, we complicate REAL LOVE with our multi-faceted always changing versions of love.  The complex nature of the "Love" passages comes into play when we come to bastardize the original intent of the scriptures for our own self-interest.

For instance, every body loves their neighbor as they would love their Self…It's just not all that great sometimes.  Problems arise when one person’s vision or version of “love” begins to compete or conflict with another’s.   In this case, there is no love actually being recognized.  The focus of this kind of relationship is on egocentric needs and self-interest.

For example, one person may believe being abusive in an intimate relationship is “as happy as one can possibly live and love their lives.” Pain is their form of happiness…it is all the love they want to know as real…because it is all they want to recognize love to be.    So, every person that is touched by this person's version of love will be loved accordingly...with bruises.

Does the abusive person know there to be a REAL LOVE....I tend to believe Yes, but he/she rejects it as either fantasy or a threat.  They know they might have to let go of the real love of their life.....FEAR!

Such belief systems tend to lead us to believe Love…real love…is hard to comprehend. "If all they want to do is love abusively,"  It is said, "then they must not be able to comprehend what God's Love is really like."  Nothing is further from the truth.

The story of the Prodigal Son is the classic example of somebody making his discovery of love harder than it really should be.  He takes what is his and launches out into the world believing serving his self-interest to be the key to his finding love.  Ultimately, losing it all forces him to sit and recieve the preverbial "I shoulda had a V-8" smack on the knoggin.

Real love just sits there waiting for us to get over ourselves and the illusions we carry about its presence in our life.  When we do....well Love is comprehended just fine.  In fact, I am of the belief "I shoulda had a V-8" smack in the head originates from someone who made the easy leap to find true love…

What's the problem? 

Well, Real Love is just not wanted for the simple fact its purpose does not fill the void of the “self-interest” versions of love that has been taught to all of us throughout the many centuries and decades of our history.  For some there is simply not enough suffering.  For some there is simply not enough ignorance.  For others, there is simply not enough guilt.  While even others, Real Love is simply a fantasy.

How do we recognize love…Oh that's simple, we stop believing it to be rocket science and start choosing to experience its rich availability in our lives…..RIGHT NOW!

WHY?

Because you are loved....and loved....RIGHT NOW!

While some calls right before bed wouldh never had been answered, he did not mind her phone calls right before his going to sleep. The soothing sound of her voice was better than any sleep aid. Each vowel, each consonant, every verb and noun was wrapped with a warm and sensuous smile.

He knew she cared because she was calling to leave with him a little bit of her heart with which he could cherish like the warm hug a teddy bear provides or the gentle kiss a mother shares. With that said, her answer to his question was "Yes, I called to tuck you in!"

Hello...Welcome back to another opportunity to illuminate Five Habits Women Want from Their Men. I decided to repost this because it just felt right reading it again.  So, I beg your pardon as I  make and effort to begin to remember the challenge of love.

There was this blog I recently found, written by a guy, is another point of view on how Perfect Women and Men can love each other by knowing how love works.

The day prior to this post, April 27th, we explored the value of showing some appreciation for a woman through genuine signs of acceptance through compliments. We revealed how giving a compliment means being attentive to the woman (or man) who just may be making efforts to listen how the other is expressing their love. We tried to disolve some of the illusions of love, like being affectionate to soften a spouse up for abuse. In the end, we wanted to communicate what he says she says is important only when what she says he says has something to do with each person yearning to learn something great about the love they share.

So, with that said :-) , according to the blog in question, the #2 Habit Women Want from Their Men is....

2. Receiving Text Messages/Calling Her

There are thousands of words and images floating about my head right now. The first word that comes to mind for me when I read #2 was "Remember." It was then when the lyrics to the Sarah Mclachlan song "I will Remember You!" rises to the occasion.

"I will remember you....Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by weep not for the memories"

Remembering, holding dear, keeping in mind, and always thinking about something or someone are clear signs of interest, intention to love, commitment to a relationship becoming, and/or a desire to share those unseen experiences when the other is not present for some measure of reason and/or time.

"Remember the good times that we had? I let them slip away from us when things got bad; how clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun. I Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one."

On the other hand, forgetting, losing focus, keeping out of mind and sight, and always find a place to be are clear signs of disinterest, distraction, disdain, and/or simple disrespect. Forgetful moments can hit us at the most unfortunate of times when loving another by keeping in touch is valuable and purposeful. Sometimes we willfully do forget. While there are other times, because we were clueless about how love and intimacy works, we "let a good thing get away." Such experiences only accent the saying, "you never know how much you had until you've lost it."

"I"m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light."

What has all this to do with leaving a simple text message or a sticky-note "I love you" on the mirror for you loved one?

Plenty!

As couples seeking to love deeper and with a genuine passion, the daily grind and rhythm of life pulls and strains on a relationship. It is very easy to fall into a pattern of living single while being married. The sticky note may weigh little less than an ounce, but, it can provide the force of a cruise ship's anchor for a relationship.

There was a time, as teacher of seventh and eighth graders where I would tell them to walk away from my classes with three words in tow. Begin, Remember, Challenge.

Why BEGIN? If we are to begin anything, start anything, participate in anything we must first WANT, truly WANT to begin doing what we will to do to make the moment a worthwhile adventure or memory. If you leave the house for the grocery store looking for an ice cream sandwich there will be all kinds of distractions along your way to not get what it is for which you first began the journey.

Why REMEMBER? Well, if we truly and deeply feel passionate about that which we first started the journey, remembering that for which we search is our passion, our life, our choice to live the life we have longed to live. REpeating into MEMory makes the path we've choosen an EMBER that burns hot in our life. A loss of focus will not completely saddle you with pain, but, it can deter you from appreciating your passion, your love in some uncomfortable ways.

Why CHALLENGE? The challenge to remaining focused on a genuine love you will to enjoy is in refusing to allow the past to affect that for which you search; a passionate love which produces endless streams of happiness and energy. The past is full of honest mistakes and clever convoluted traps into which everybody loves to hide from a love they would want to experience but (for whatever reason buried in the past) are simply too affraid to experience.

So, it is very important to begin everyday remembering the challenge of love; Love is first personal, then rewarding, and consistently yours for all the time in which you will to explore its enormous wealth and sense of security. Where and in what timeframe you choose to explore such is TOTALLY up to you.

This is why that sticky note on the mirror is more than just a note. That sticky note says to the woman you love (guys!)...."Someone is listening and values the way I choose to express and show my love!" It answers the question and doubts crazy lifestyles create. It tells the one with whom you have choosen to love as a life partner "I will remember you...because you have remembered me."

She knows he takes a few more minutes than others to respond.  In her mind, he simply needs a little coaching on how love works.  But, in the end, she knows everything will be just fine....if he would just follow her lead.

Over the course of last week, we explored 8 Lessons Perfect Women Should Remember.  The ideas for the blog entries were derived from a posting describing what the author of the blog called his Perfect Woman.  The final list of 8 Lessons Perfect Women Should Remember we explored looked a little like this....

1. Realize that men view things differently than women, and those differences in view are equally valid and worthy of respect.
2. Respect and faith in abilities are more important to a man than love.
3. Even the men who appear to be the strongest have a fragile ego.
4. Men do most of their thinking from what lies between their legs; so, stroke often this part of their brain.
5.  If he’s telling you what’s wrong with the relationship, and your bitter manless friends are telling you something different is wrong with the relationship, listen to him over them.
6. Respect his ambition.
7. Don’t let your looks go
8. Being a provider is at the core of a man’s identity, even if you make money too. 

That was a version or one vision of how one person views his Perfect Woman.  The only natural thing for me to do next would to turn a bit and find a point of view who would try to explain to the author of the above mentioned blog advice for how love works.  And, lo and behold I found Five Habits Women would Love from Their Men.  And....believe it or not....it was written by a guy!

I believe most persons would agree Love seems to be a pretty complex set of circumstances.  Finding that one perfect guy or gal to love the life you would want to love to live is, at times, a daunting task.  The question before us in this endeavor...

1.  Why is Love so damn complicated? 
2. Why can Love not be simpler to experience?

Well, this blog where I found what it would take for a significant other to score points or place some savings in the Love Bank is a good start where we can find some answers....for both male and female participants on a journey of Love....from the heart of a guy whose got his stuff together.

The first of your women's simple requests......

1. Recieving Compliments

"Women usually love to be appreciated,"  the author writes, " or get a boost in their self-assurance. So it is very important to be sincere when giving a compliment, and always be grateful on the amount of work she had to go through to transform herself from a regular girl to a hot diva for your sake."

Showing affection or appreciation for your lover, your friend, your spouse, your significant other is at the core of any solid relationship.  So, what he says and she says IS important for the relationship's becoming.   Such behavior is also a valuable asset in one's spiritually intimate relationship with God.  But, this aspect you will find out on your own time, at a place of your own choosing.  For the one you love is The One (God) in you.

The show of affection is a key indicator "somebody is listening to what I am doing."  In a world where so much emphasis is placed on others reassuring us of our importance in this world, affection could almost be considered a drug. So, often we refuse to appreciate, understand, and ultimately love our Self; leaving in the hands of others such vital behavior mechanisms to help us make it "through the night."

As you undoubtedly know, affection (like love) comes in all shapes and sizes.  Genuine affection should never be confused with the egocentric usage of the term.  Affection, used for the purposes of "getting some later," is self-serving, temporary, and ego-driven. This kind of love, if it could last forever, would be great stuff to bathe in.  BUT, this version of love is really no love at all...it is simply a fantasy.

Just about everybody in a relationship has taken this strategy of love to the max.  One person having an endless string of fantasy-filled relationships with only temporal benefits is quite normal.  Likewise, affection used to soften up the spouse for an abusive moment is obviously not affection at all.  BUT, there are those who believe the usage of such behavior is what makes them "the happiest they will ever be" and they accept such manner as real and genuine love...sadly enough!

Genuine affection to most women (and men...whether they like to believe it or not) is a sign of a relationships secure and comfortable qualities.  A simple expression of appreciation is a notable sign "someone is listening to the efforts I am making to show and express my love." 

Everyone, from the smallest infant to the elders among us needs to know they're genuinely appreciated.  While we are the source of our own happiness, signs from fellow travelers along this spiritually intimate journey helps us to connect with all that is good, honest and real within. 

If you've been reading my blog for any length you know of my friend Star.  She is the feature of some early postings.  Well...anyways...my friend Star helped me to understand and appreciate how,  with so much pulling us and distracting us away from our genuinely rich qualities, affirmations and reminders of who we really are an invaluable asset...whether we want to hear the appreciation or not...whether we want to be loved...and loved right now.

Genuine appreciation, simply said, is an act of acceptance and acknowledgment for what is real, true, and honest about one's presence in life.  For instance, a little child of ten or eleven months (we could safely say) has yet to realize their full capacity to love.   They hardly are capable of sensing (as far as we know) how their testing out the smile muscles lighten the everyday load we carry.  The examples for how love works (or is supposed to work) comes to him/her through the living breathing acts of the parents or the significant adults in the young babe's life.   

So, many of us who are parents know how to appreciate the young noises infants make when they need some lovin'.  But, there are those who simply do not choose to hear the sounds a child make as necessary.

For instance, the desire to be held, spoken to, or acknowledged becomes abundantly clear from the child when a dad or mom sit in a family room playing video games while the young one is through playing with the plastic dishes and spoons he/she had been given in the kitchen trapped in the high chair.  Persistant and consistent ignorance of the child's plea (beyond the infant's normal playfulness of dropping things to the floor) sends a clarion call to the child of being somewhat less in worth, lacking in importance for some unseen, unknown, ghostly reason as definitions for what love is all about and how love works.

Eventually, ten more years of various versions of such parental behavior forms a foundation of aggressive attempts (by the child) at acceptance or muted shy attempts at feeling out of place, out of touch, out of the loop of a simple human hug.  A couple more years of such behavior and you have a child pondering their physical changes as a salve to the lonely wounds they can not seem to chase away....for some reason.

Now we come to young teens and adults yearning to feel important in the eyes of a person who just might accomplish what the parents seemingly failed to in the last fifteen years; genuine, loving, appreciation, and acceptance.  Words as easy to hear to the ears as "Thank you!" are left unheard or appreciated in return because, like a foreign language to an untrained ear,  the words fall short of the sad depressing quality of the version of love they have come to know.

There are, of course, all measures of such experiences.  I am confident, all persons experience some measure of having felt ignored as a youth.  The experiences vary from small slights of not having been allowed to attend a dance or play a certain game for family reasons to a mother and father handing off the child to surrogates for "personal reasons." 

So, the need to hear and feel the words of appreciation and acceptance in a compliment are what a woman would love to hear most.  Genuine love and honesty shared between lovers is an essential aspect of any successful relationship. 

Because men have been taught special thoughts and feelings are to be ignored, it is essential a man learn slowly to appreciate the quality and integrity of the sound your "I love you!" makes upon the ears of the feminine reciever.  Affirmations of greatness are critical tools for realizing how true and deeply sensual your experience can be with the woman you wish to genuinely love and feel love from in return.

In fact, I would hasten to say the words "I love you!" are as important to a woman as "Hun, I am very proud of you!"  from your lover, spouse, and friend.   Those words just may sound like words you might not ever have heard from a parent or a significant adult in your life "Son, I am very proud of you!" 

While he/she may be keeping their Self looking good for more personal reasons, like getting into a size 4 instead of a 8 (or a 26 instead of a 30 for men), they may also be carefully aware of how important maintaining their health, vitality, and sensuality is for your in loving a life with you in a love they want to share through a form of showing their appreciation of how important you are....always.

So, when is what he says she says important?  When what he says she says is said in a way that will allow what she says he says to reach deeper into a place where both learn how truly great the love is which lives within their relationship.

(Gosh...I hope that made sense!)

REMEMBER.....You are loved...and loved...RIGHT NOW!

I said, "Well...go ahead!  Tell me what you've heard...I take most things with a grain of salt...So, go ahead tell me what you heard."

"Well...this person said you like changing your clothes in the locker room while getting ready for work!  Something about standing in the buff putting your pants on."

"Ah.....well...I ah....do have a clean uniform I need to change into to do my job!"

"Well....She continued with an embarassed look upon her face.  "I know.....that's my point.  I don't think HE thinks you should be able to do that."

"Ummm....given the altermative is changing in the woman's locker"  I replied quickly with a wry smile.  "I don't think I am gonna change my routine."

"Good thing!  I don't think the women would appreciate your changing your dress habits either!"

We have come to the fifth of 8 Lessons Perfect Women Should Remember.  For those of you just joining me, the following topics have been covered in the four previous entries.  They are the bullet points of emphasis made by the author of a blog   who wrote of a piece on The Perfect Woman: A How To Guide or something to that affect.  I will refer you to my previous four postings for you to know where I stand on finding a Perfect Partner for Life.

4 of the 8 Lessons Perfect Women Should Remember

1. Realize that men view things differently than women, and those differences in view are equally valid and worthy of respect.
2. Respect and faith in abilities are more important to a man than love.
3. Even the men who appear to be the strongest have a fragile ego.
4. Men do most of their thinking from what lies between their legs; so, stroke often this part of their brain.

The story, at the outset of this posting, from several years ago came to mind when somebody wrote the following to me.....

"If someone has an issue with me, I would mucho prefero they come to me directly to work it out. I don't know about you but I hate to hear of a problem from a third party. That just breaks down all trust for me.

"I always think "are you really interested in working out the problem or just (wanting to) embarrass me in front of others by airing (dirty) laundry?"   I also think (such behavior) signals a lack of rapport between (us) that they would need a third party and does not speak well for the business relationship, friendship or whatever.   It doesn't build confidence (in the relationship) in my view."

So, without further adieu, Topic #5 from the subject blog on The Perfect Woman (TPW) is....

5. If he’s telling you what’s wrong with the relationship, and your bitter manless friends are telling you something different is wrong with the relationship, listen to him over them.

The word "bitter" seems to be popping up in more places than just from the Obama Campaign these days.  Bitterness happens to occur in more relationships worldwide because there just seems so little understanding about how men and women process the problems. 

At the outset of this conversation, back at topic #1, the TPW author identifies a clear distinction between how men and women process information...especially in a relationshp. A woman will seek support amongst other women or men with a more feeling based disposition.  While the perfect manner of disposition for problems among men is to pretend the problem not to exist or claim rights to being the only one able to solve the problem in the way shape and manner THEY CHOOSE.   If men join in any kind of group to solve a problem the outcome will be what play next to execute on the football field through  a huddle.

As the original story above displays, third parties enter into the daily dramas of people everyday.   I just about broke my jaw on the table at lunch that afternoon when my friend told me someone did not like that I changed clothes in the men's locker room for work.  BUT, after some thought generated by the email above I determined there are a couple of things in play in situations where a significant other or even an at work associate fails to confront the other with a problem.    Each of them are driven by one thing...F-E-A-R (F-alse E-xpectations A-ppearing R-eal).

Here are just a few examples and thoughts that might jog your mind into finding a solution for why you love finds friends more inviting to speak with than you. 

1.  While she has been married to you for a few years, you still may be a person who seems unapproachable to her. Perhaps you know a lot about a great deal and she has problems with such a character trait.  She may find your presence intimidating.

2.    You could be in a marriage for fifteen years, BUT, if you use your knowledge as an intimidator for power purposes being unapproachable especially would be true. In other words, if you are a control freak (male domination)....well, forget it bud you are NOT going to have a person approach you about a problem they have with you. In fact, if you ARE a control freak,  you should not be suprised by such events.  Such events are what you should expect. In other words, you control situations knowing there might just be someone out there who knows "there is something wrong with you." In all liklihood a problem like this could very well have been generated by an authority figure who simply did not believe you "could do enough to please them."

3. If you are person who does not take criticism very well, perhaps like a drama king or queen, well...my friend the person who has a problem with you may have found a very unique way for you to actually hear the information he/she might have wanted you to know all along.

This, in the office setting, is the "proper" use of the grapevine. There is always a person you can tell in a line of associates or friends who will spill the news to each of the members of the grapevine to where it will eventually drip in your direction.

For instance, as I mentioned above , I would dress everyday in the men's locker room for work in a clean work uniform I keep in my locker. News came to me from a fourth party someone does not like when I change for work in the men's locker room...

"They say." SHE said to me...."you like walking around in there!"

"For God Sake!" I replied..."It's a locker room...a men's locker room!"

After some thought, it turned out, the fear of another seeing another person in the buff...I guess...in a place where such is like common place...was uncomfortable....So, they told someone who shared it with someone...who told me that I WAS THE PROBLEM!  

Did I changed my practice of dressing....Well...given the only altenative is the women's locker room...NOPE!

As I mentioned in my first posting about 8 LESSONS....

If neither partner in a relationship, friendship, or marriage takes the time to recognize the several loads of personal baggage sitting out in the hallway waiting to be unloaded upon one or the other, well...all hell will break loose.  And frankly, it SHOULD.   To ignore the personal history that shaped the beliefs and behaviors of another is simple willingness to be ignorant.

"For without an attempt at understanding the woman's tendency for expressing her feelings and a man's learning to ignore their importance, the tall well-educated blonde and the charming athletic male lawyer type are asking to experience a very serious and somewhat contentious day in court disolving their illusion of love before a judge."

When you learn she has been going to her woman friends to talk about personal stuff you really need to take such a behavior in stride. Always allow your better judgement to reign supreme in such cases.  You are not going to become a woman if you simply act on being willing to listen to what concerns her.  There may be some truth to what she is saying you might never have heard.  And, there may be some kernal of idiocy she has beleived in where a simple explanation can relieve her tension. 

REMEMBER:  The person with whom you are dealing is scared or fearful of some one thing (or maybe two or three) they might have associated from their past upon you and whatever act that reminds them to be affraid.  This may be your moment to come in shining on that "white horse" of which she been dreaming.

SOOOOO.....Be Cool...Be real....Be great...BE YOU! 

And remember....You are loved...and loved...RIGHT NOW!

The visual statement this couple made when in public seemed astonishingly clear....."They're Perfect!"  With everything going so well why did they get a divorce some five years after their marriage?

Have you in mind anybody who fits this description?  Have you ever known a charismatic couple?  Have you the desire to be in a relationship that sends a strong signal of such perfection?  What is your definition of perfection?  And finally, are you in search of The Perfect Life Partner.

I recently experienced reading a chain of blogs whose authors apparently decided to cooperate and write a series of postings on "The Perfect Woman." 

I was impressed with the manner and determination they used to describe their desires and expectations for what they consider "perfection."  Each blogger should be applauded for their dedication to complete the task seperate yet in concert with what the other would present.  While we do not know how much conversation took place behind the scenes for the planning of such a venture,  we will give to them the benefit of the doubt their literary enterprise was independent of the others direct influences. 

Why? 

Well....in their view...that would be "the manly" thing to do.  Besides, its probably what really happened.

While I try not to create too many postings in a series on one topic, the next few days will be my "Perfect Life Partner Series."  The basis, the foundation, the centerpiece for these entries will focus on what I will call the "8 Lessons Perfect Women Should Remember" as presented by this blog I'd read somewheres out there in the blogosphere.  His entries will be in bold type.  My comments will follow each trying to explore the truth or illusion of the author's approach to what makes for having a successful relationship with the perfect life partner. 

EHarmony.com is the latest in a long running set of efforts for everybody trying to find that "perfect mate."   What seems to be at odds in the mind of the romantic is the definition for what makes a person "The One and Only."  There are those who find their significant other in high school and "til death" do they part.  There are those who find their one and only banging heads in the boardroom or flying around the corner accidentally.  There are those who run through a whole heap of relationships before they finally meet ""The One" they'd been looking all of their lives.  And then, there are those who seem to never connect on a level of love percieved as perfect.

The journey, to find "The One Perfect Life Partner" (in my mind) is more about our efforts to feel comfortable within our spiritually intimate skin.  For me, our search for The One (God) within and a connection to what is real happiness is with what we are really in search.  And, when we meet face-to-face on the street with that "One" real feeling of what is genuine beauty (regardless of how many noses or eyes they may possess) we call it "Love at First Sight."

So, now you have a summary of my understanding for what is our great journey to find the perfect woman (or man).  With that said, I can hopefully do justice to the efforts of a blogger to describe for others his/her......

8 Lessons a Perfect Woman Should Remember 

1. Realize that men view things differently than women, and those differences in view are equally valid and worthy of respect.

True.  Men and women do seem to view life differently.  Through no fault of their own, by the choices of societies (decades and perhaps centuries old), men and women have been taught to deal with life on different plains of behavior and thought. 

Women, for example,  have been permitted to express their feelings somewhat freely in various shapes and forms.  Men have been taught feelings are simply a distraction from accomplishing the tasks at hand.  For men, there is a limit to what a man can express.  And, that limit is based on where they have been taught (enough is enough) to hide their real feelings beneath a veneer called "manhood." 

For most men, to pull the cover away from (to reveal their feelings) means having to deal with losing their illusions of being "a real man."  Abraham, of biblical history, (for instance) would have slain his first born son were it not for his coming to recognize his feelings for Isaacs' importance.  "The Angel," his own God-gifted ability to determine the beauty of his son's life,  knocks away the knife that would slay him.  Today, the outcome of such evolution of thought is still evident in various peoples and nations. 

So, women, make no mistake about it....men suffer greatly the efforts to be expressive.  IT IS a painfully real experience much like the one you have when you discover you are a size 10 and not a 3.

 "Men are not inclined.."  The author writes of the blog in subject here,  "...to talk in circles about every problem until they’re emotionally drained. Respect that! For you it’s cathartic, for us it’s hell. It doesn’t mean we respect the problem less than you do, it just means that what’s a therapeutic method for you is not necessarily one for us."

As a result of the vastly different paths men and women take to learn unwittingly, of their existence....four things have transpired in the field of producing a truly loving and successful relationship:

1. It is common for women in the boardroom to go toe-to-toe in debate with each other (and some men) and carry the raucous well after the meeting out into the hallways, down the elevator, onto the streets, and perhaps (sometimes) into the gutter. 
2. Men willingly toe the line and fight to the death in the boardroom with their male counterparts (and with some women) to eventually find their self laughing and drawing beers together with the same guys and watching the NCAA Final Four down at the local brew pub; all the while wondering why the female colleague never joins him.
3. While they do tend to talk some topics to death, woman have evolved miles ahead of the average man, in being able to engage a relationship problem head on and make an effort to understand the perameters of interpersonal situations (whether it be familial or corporate) much quicker.
4. Depending upon their most significant male and female influences, the more expressive person in any relationship's becoming whole IS the feminine side of the relationship.  So, men CAN be the woman (per se) in the relationship and women CAN act out the male role. 

I would imagine there to be very few women out there who have told the male signficant other of a problem in their relationship and the man HAD responded immediately to the concern.  If a man's behavior is a problem in a relationship he usually needs to hear about it more than once or twice before it gets through to him  a "feeling" response is required.  Considering a "touchee feelee" response is very low on "Bob's" set of priorities.  His mom usually took care of the feeling situations at home. 

So, by the time Homer discovers a feeling is needed, the emotional roller coaster of Alice in the relationship has already begun.  If she is unaware of a Homer's built-in negligence to the importance of feelings in a relationship a rocky road lies ahead for both.

With this in mind, it is great fun to have found The "perfect woman" or "Mr Right" as we seem to know it today.   The chase was great.  The seductive moments tantilizing.  The sex utterly amazing. 

BUT, if neither takes the time to recognize the several loads of personal baggage sitting out in the hallway waiting to be unloaded upon one or the other, well...all hell will break loose.  And frankly, it SHOULD. 

For without an attempt at understanding the woman's tendency for expressing her feelings and a man's learning to ignore their importance, the tall well-educated blonde and the charming athletic male lawyer type are asking to experience a very serious and somewhat contentious day in court disolving their illusion of love before a judge.

Remember......you're in control of the level of happiness you experience today.....

You are loved....and loved RIGHT NOW!

Tommorrow.....Lesson 2 of

"8 Lessons Perfect Women Should Remember"

Was that a "Huh! Yer kidding me?" heard to be echoing throughout the church's sanctuary?  "Wow...this is going to be one fun Lenten Season!" a man cries out.  "Talk about resur-rection!"

All joking aside, this blog entry is about what THE PASTOR IS REALLY SAYING!   

WARNING!  Making love, like every person's spiritual journey, is a valuable and unique experience.  Explaining what you mean by it can result in circular arguements, myths, and misunderstanding.

Case in point: the reporting of Relevant Church's lead pastor challenging his married congregants to make love for the next month.

"Sex" The word itself invites vapid arguments, jokes, and stereotypes.  For the most part, sex acts have become our quick fix substitute;  filling in the blank spaces in our illusion of love with an orgasm. Sex, like the word love itself, has as many meanings and self-made definitions as we do people to define it.  As such, like politics and religion, it has many false flash points for debate.

Making love and having sex is, in the case of Pastor Wirth's challenge, a double edged sword equal to that of any of Jesus' stories regarding loving your neighbor, forgiveness, tithing, or of life and love itself. Ultimately, those who immerse their selves in this program will become whole,  Holy.  Therefore, making real how it is a great genuine love life to be a sign of a couple's mental health, happiness and spiritual w-holiness.

Every body has experienced, at one time or another,  a debate about the value of marriage.    Single men and women, wishing to hold tightly to their independence,  especially discuss the "M-" word hotly with their mirrored reflection each and every time when "the right woman" or "Mr Right" enters their life. 

For organizations like Dr Dobson's Focus on the Family, attention normally goes to the religious sanctity of the union, the socio-economic benefits to the married adults, their children, health pluses, and in particular a consistency of keeping pace with the tenets of their belief systems, Christianity. 

It is thought correctly, married (into healthy relationships)couples tend to live longer, healthier lives and are typically less depressed or anxious than their single, divorced, or widowed counterparts.  This is especially true if the marriage, the union is a genuinely appreciated friendship and has a consistent and truthful love life. 

Well, as you might have heard,  one Ybor City, Fla, pastor has taken up the mantle of trying to enrich the many blessings of being married.  BUT, AOL CBS and other news outlets report, "Relevant Church pastor Paul Wirth has challenged his married congregants to have sex every day for one month."   This line of reporting revealed more about the reporters sexual inadequacies than it did the direction of the good pastors challenge.

The reporters would later include..."The National Center for Health Statistic reports  the rate of divorce in the U.S. is 3.6 divorces per 1,000 people; the rate peaked at 5.3 per 1,000 in 1981. Notably, divorce rates are highest in states where many conservative Baptists live, including Arkansas and Mississippi, while the percentage dips in the more liberal and Catholic Northeast and upper Midwest."

The use of such stats seem to want to bring this simple challenge to the "debate stage" of their being somehow somewhere in Thomas Jefferson's writing of The Consititution a seperation of "Church and Bed."

With that said, let's set aside all the debate and statistics and ponder for a moment what actually the pastor is asking of his congregants. 

First and foremost, this is the Lenten Season for most Christian churches.  It is a special time of reflection on what it means to constantly renew a relationship with The One (God) within.  Pastors establish creative ways for each level of the congregation to enrich their spiritual experience during this time.  In this case, the pastor is asking his married couples to be active in their relationship with the one they love.

By asking his married couples to have sex or make love everyday for the next month,  he is REALLY asking of his married couples to re-cognize (know again) the one you love.  He is asking of his couples to break the bonds of living single while being married and get to know his needs and her needs. 

For some, who would hear his challenge, it was already happening.  For some, the fear of God shot through them as if a lightening bolt has struck.  For others, they might have long forgotten the act of being sexually intimate as an inportant part of their marriage.  While yet others, who might not have been active thought his announcement to be a refreshing way to reignite a very comfortable lifestyle filled with decades of experiences.

Dr R. Terry Jones, a professor at Regis University (Colorado Springs) states in his book on intimacy, "Listen with Your Heart, "You can only correct a problem (in your relationship) at its source.  The source of most problems in a relationship is the lack of communication and understanding that build up when we do not take the time to talk and share on an intimate level." 

Lent is a time when problems are to be sorted out and solutions toward finding happiness (the resurrection and the life) is to occur.  And, it is HERE where Pastor Wirth is leading his flock.  He wants his couples to know each other; touch each other physically, spiritually, and mentally.  Such efforts made by one to another will always reveal the real and defuse the illusions of what Love is all about.

Oh...by the way....for most this challenge will be extremely difficult.  Personal walls will need to fall.  False versions or visions of what Love is all about will need to be destroyed.  Deeply held feelings about HOW a spouse REALLY feels about the other may surface.

I am comfortable with the thought you make love the way you would want another to love you back.  Herein lies my assertion every body loves their neighbor as their self....it just ain't all that good sometimes.

Pastor Wirth's brilliant challenge is much more than smearing sensuous oils upon your loved one's back or burning scented candles.  Wirth's challenge is a call toward discovering what real love is truly all about.  There is a preconceived notion of what the phrase "making love" means.  And, that notion pours out into view by those who report stories such as this.

Pastor Wirth's pronouncment, on AOL News, is reported as if the act of  just "having sex" is what the good pastor is suggesting.  "Pastor Wirth." AOL reports,  "believes lower divorce rates somehow relates to higher sexual activity. 'Married couples will review the obvious needs of him and uncover the forgotten needs of her,' says the church web site.   Because the reporter and the lead editor has a poor understanding of their own experience with sex, making love, friendship, and marriage they perpetuate the lies we have all come to repeat of the same.

Another great example comes with CBS Morning Harry Smith's interview of  the pastor and a participating couple of the pastor's challenge.  He spoke to them as if the pastor and the other couple were about to swap spouses.  There was very little attempt, on Mr Smith's part to enter the specific reasons for what the pastor was really communicating to his congregation.  Had the person been Jane Fonda or Dr Dobson, the story would have been completely different.  The good pastor was treated as fresh meat for a quick sex story in the morning. 

 The end result of Mr Smith's approach, like all of our haphazard lies about relationships, generates a few silly giggles and a "let's move on!" attitude.  Which, strangely enough, is another example of how some people make love.

Those interested in experiencing spiritual intimacy in their love life will ALWAYS nourish the life of their marital situation. You don't have to be of  western religious or eastern religious beliefs to yearn for a spiritually intimate life with the one you love.  You simply have to be willing to want to know how they feel, and what can be done to help them feel better.

For instance, in each relationship there is a female and male character force presenting itself.  If you are in a relationship where one or the other is more comfortable talking or expressing physically your emotional needs....you ARE in all liklihood the female partner.   Yes, men...you can possess a very senuous femine side.  And yes women....you can shut down your feelings, and ignore your spouse just the way Dad (or Mom) used to do it. 

These situations carry the essential differences (problems) that need be explored and experienced in a marriage to diffuse the fears such behaviors promote through their mindless usage.   Pastor Wirth's invitation to improve one's life is no different than what Jesus or Bhudda might have done to help one realize real love and avoid needless suffering.

If you are interested in taking on a similiar challenge like the good pastor's,  and  you would like to do it correctly....contact  the link above for Relevant Church or your local Worldwide Marriage Encounter marriage couples.  You need not have a single problem to solve; just a willingness to love deeper and more passionately the one your heart desires touch.

You are loved.....and loved right now!

PRAKATA

Dalam tulisan ini akan dibahas - dengan menggunakan metode pendekatan Kitab Suci – manakah peranan keluarga Katolik dalam Evangelisasi? Sejauh mana Kitab Suci dapat mendukung keluarga sebagai pangkal Evangelisasi yang diberi kata sifat “baru”? Dengan melihat realita yang ada dimana jumlah panggilan utuk menjadi Imam semakin berkurang dari tahun ke tahun, sementara tugas pewartaan Injil adalah tugas yang harus tetap dijalankan, maka mulai sekarang dan khususnya di masa depan evangelisasi dunia tidak lagi terutama ditangani oleh lembaga dan organisasi misioner yang khusus (tarekat-tarekat kaum religius di kalangan Gereja Katolik; lembaga-lembaga penginjilan di kalangan Gereja Reformasi); tetapi oleh keluarga-keluarga yang terpanggil untuk mengemban amanat tugas perutusan Tuhan Yesus: “…pergilah, jadikanlah semua bangsa muridKu dan baptislah mereka dalam nama Bapa dan Anak dan Roh Kudus…” (Mat 28, 19).

KAUM AWAM YANG BERKELUARGA TULANG PUNGGUNG JEMAAT KRISTEN

Paham Keluarga dalam Kitab Suci

Kiranya tidaklah berlebihan untuk mengatakan bawa selama 3 abad pertama, Injil dan Kekristenan disebarluaskan terutama oleh para Awam, mereka yang biasanya hidup berkeluarga. Memang ada juga bentuk hidup lain, yakni hidup membujang atau wadat seperti yang dikisahkan dalam Mat 19, 12; I Kor 7, 25 dst; I Tim 5, 9 dst; Luka 20, 35; namun data yang ditampilkan dalam Perjanjian Baru pada umumnya mengandaikan bahwa orang Kristen menikah dan berkeluarga seperti orang-orang lainnya. Cara hidup membujang seperti itu – walau bukan pilihan yang dipilih kebanyakan orang – namun dinilai positif oleh Matius 19, 12: dinilai sebagai tanda kehadiran Kerajaan Allah di dunia ini. Sejumlah teks, khususnya yang menyajikan semacam pedoman atau “tata tertib” keluarga Kristen dapat dibaca dalam Ef 5, 22-6, 9; Kol 3, 18-4,6; Tit 2, 1-10; 1 Ptr 2, 18-3, 7). Para Petugas jemaat diandaikan hidup berkeluarga (I Tim 3, 2.4.12; Tit 1, 6; I Kor 9, 5).

Secara umum, Perjanjian Baru dan Alkitab bila berbicara tentang “keluarga”, maka apa yang dimaksud dengan keluarga adalah keluarga besar, bukanlah keluarga inti (suami-istri serta anak-anak yang belum dewasa). Keluarga inti semacam ini baru muncul pada abad XVII terutama di kawasan Barat. Yang biasa dalam Alkitab adalah keluarga besar yang mencakup suami-istri, anak-anak, kakek-nenek, pembantu dan orang-orang lain yang bergantung pada keluarga ini. Tatanan keluarga demikian bersifat patriarkhal: Bapa/kepala keluarga mempunyai wewenang penuh untuk mengatur segala sesuatu yang berkaitan dengan masalah keluarga: ekonomi, keamanan, relasi dengan sesama warga dan dengan penguasa. Walau model keluarga semacam itu yang melatarbelakangi Kitab Suci,  namun tidak boleh dinilai sebagai satu-satunya model yang dapat diterima oleh umat beriman. Model keluarga lain seperti keluarga inti adalah suatu kemungkinan model yang mungkin pula diterima. Keluarga bukanlah ciptaan iman Kristiani melainkan adalah product dari suatu masyarakat tertentu dengan budaya tertentu yang senantiasa mengalami perubahan (inovasi) seiring dengan perkembangan zaman. Lambat laun model keluarga besar sudah mulai ditinggalkan dan masyarakat bergerak untuk menerima model keluarga inti sebagaimana nampak di kota-kota besar.

Keluarga Sebagai Tulang Punggung Jemaat

Kaum awam/mereka yang berkeluarga selama tiga abad pertama Kekristenan menjadi penyalur utama iman dan tradisi Kristen serta penyebar Injil dan penganjur Evangelisasi. Hal ini tentu bisa dimengerti mengingat situasi dimana jumlah „missionaris profesional“, seperti Paulus sangat langka. Suatu lembaga atau organisasi „missioner“ mirip dengan tarekat-tarekat kaum religius seperti yang ada sejak abad ke XVI belum ada dan belum terpikirkan pada waktu itu. Maka dalam situasi seperti itu, kaum awam sungguh tampil di garda depan sebagai missionaris. Di samping para awam ada juga sekolompok orang yang juga mempunyai perhatian khusus terhadap Kekristenan yang bertugas secara khusus untuk membela Kekristenan terhadap kritik yang dilontarkan oleh  para cendekiawan kafir serta rasa curiga negara ataupun pengecam kekristenan. Mereka bukanlah missionaris seperti halnya kaum awam, tetapi adalah „Apologet“, Pembela dan Penjaga ajaran Iman Kristen yang benar.

Dalam surat-surat „katolik“ (7 karangan yang agaknya muncul menjelang akhir abad I dan tercantum dalam Perjanjian Baru: surat Yakobus, surat Petrus pertama dan kedua, surat Yohanes pertama, kedua dan ketiga dan surat Yudas) tidak nampak lagi semangat/spirit missioner agresif yang menggerakkan santo Paulus dalam misinya mewartakan Injil. Jemaat-jemaat yang dituju oleh 7 karangan tersebut diatas mengalami kesulitan baik yang sifatnya internal maupun external. Diskriminasi, fitnahan, gangguan dalam menghayati dan mewujudkan imannya adalah fakta yang sangat jelas menunjukkan bagaimana umat mengalami situasi external yang tidak akomodatif terhadap kehadiran mereka. Dalam situasi yang demikian itu ke 7 surat/karangan „katolik“ itu bermaksud untuk mendorong umat agar mereka berani memberikan kesaksian tentang injil, menyebarkannya serta meresapkannya ke dalam kebudayaan melalui cara hidup Kristen sambil mempertahankan jati dirinya sebagai orang dan jemaat Kristen. Sejumlah teks Kitab Suci dapat memberikan informasi mengenai hal ini, misalnya: I Ptr 2, 9.12.15.17; 3,1-2.9.13-16; 4,4.5.15-16. Surat-surat Pastoral (1 dan 2 Timotius, Titus) tentu saja tahu akan Paulus, sang missionaris (1Tim 2,7; 2 Tim 2,9), tetapi tidak ditemukan suatu anjuran untuk meneruskan karya missioner dengan cara seperti yang telah dibuat oleh Paulus. Apa yang ditemukan adalah anjuran untuk membina jemaat menjadi semacam „mercu suar“ yang memancarkan Injil ke dalam masyarakat sekitarnya.

I Tim 3, 15-16 memakai suatu gambaran yang bagus. Jemaat Kristen disebut “rumah/keluarga Allah”. Rumah/keluarga Allah itu dibandingkan dengan suatu tugu tinggi (tiang) yang bertumpu pada suatu landasan yang lebar dan kokoh kuat. Pada landasan itu – menurut 2 Tim 2,19 –  terpahat suratan : „Tuhan Yesus mengenal siapa kepunyaanNya“ dan „Setiap orang (orang Kristen) yang menyebut nama Tuhan hendaklah  meninggalkan kejahatan“. Di puncak tugu itu bertenggerlah „Kebenaran“, ialah Injil yang diringkas dalam 1 Tim 3, 16. Dengan demikian jemaat Kristen merupakan semacam mercu suar serentak kenisah Allah yang dengan Injil bagai lampu sorot menyinari masyarakat dan menarik orang luar utuk bergabung dengan Kristus (bdk Yoh 12, 32) dan dengan paguyuban Kristen sama seperti jemaat Perdana di Yerusalem yang digambarkan dalam Kis 2, 46-47. Tentu saja agar dapat bertahan sebagai mercu suar jemaat harus mempertahankan dan memperkokoh identitasnya sebagai jemaat Kristen (1 Tim 6,3-4.20; 2 Tim 1, 13-14; 2,2; 4,14; Tit 2,9 dst) agar berdampak dalam masyarakat. Tampak dengan jelas bagaimana dengan gaya hidupnya jemaat mempengaruhi masyarakat.

Meskipun surat-surat Katolik dan surat-surat Pastoral tersebut tahu akan adanya petugas jemaat, namun jemaat yang menjadi mercu suar itu terbentuk oleh kaum awam yang berkeluarga. Kebudayaan Yunani-Romawi di zaman Perjanjian Baru berpusat pada kota dan kota berpusatkan keluarga besar terkemuka. Demikian juga kekristenan di zaman Yunani-Romawi (sampai abad V) berpusatkan kota. Selama kekristenan merupakan minoritas dan dicurigai dalam masyarakat, jemaat-jemaat Kristen pun berpusatkan pada keluarga (terkemuka), artinya jemaat-jemaat yang tidak mempunyai bangunan „gereja“ dan fasilitas lainnya terorganisasikan di sekitar salah satu keluarga (besar) terkemuka yang mempunyai rumah besar dan mampu menyediakan fasilitas lain yang perlu. Apa yang dikatakan dalam 1Kor 11, 17dst tentang jemaat (mungkin beberapa jemaat) yang berkumpul di satu tempat (bdk ay 20) utuk mengadakan perjamuan Tuhan mempunyai latar belakang semacam ini. Seluruh jemaat Kristen di kota Korintus datang berkumpul di rumah seorang anggota terkemuka (dan kaya) yang mempunyai rumah cukup besar untuk menampung segenap umat serta mampu menyediakan apa yang perlu untuk kepentingan ibadat termasuk makanan dan minuman. Paulus mengecam jemaat oleh karena dalam pertemuan itu nampaklah adanya perbedaan dan diskriminasi sosial (kaya-miskin, merdeka-budak dan sebagainya). Karena itu ia menyuruh agar acara makan-minum (pesta) dihentikan. Perbedaan dan diskriminasi semacam itu tidak sesuai dengan acara inti pertemuan, yakni perjamuan Tuhan.

Beberapa kali dalam Perjanjian Baru ditemukan ungkapan „jemaat di rumah orang tertentu“ (Rm 16,5; 1Kor 16,19; Kol 4,15; Flm 2). Terjemahan Latin mengalihbahasakan ungkapan itu dengan „ecclesia domestica“ (gereja rumah). Dari situ berasallah pandangan (yang sebenarnya tidak tepat) bahwa suatu keluarga Kristen menjadi suatu „gereja kecil“ (ecclesiola). Gereja besar atau kecil pertama-tama berdasarkan pada iman, dibangun oleh iman dan bukan pada hubungan antar manusia. Konsili Vatikan II dan khususnya Paus Yohanes Paulus II suka memakai istilah „keluarga sebagai gereja kecil“.     

Yang dimaksudkan oleh Perjanjian Baru dengan ungkapan tersebut adalah jemaat setempat yang kurang lebih besar, berkumpul di rumah/anggota keluarga yang terkemuka dan berada. Keluarga besar itulah yang menjadi pusat dan poros seluruh jemaat itu. Tuan rumah kiranya bertindak kurang lebih sebagai pemimpin perkumpulan jemaat itu. Filemon 2 paling jelas mengungkapkan soal ini. Demikian juga dalam Perjanjian Baru beberapa kali tercatat statement „salah seorang dengan seisi rumahnya menjadi percaya“, artinya dibaptis dan menjadi Kristen. Yang dimaksudkan dengan seisi rumah adalah keluarga besar seperti yang sudah disebut di muka: suami-istri, anak, sanak saudara, budak, pembantu dan sebagainya (bdk Kis 10,2.24.48; 11,14; 16,15.31; 18,8; 1 Kor 1,16). Kiranya ada pengandaian umum bahwa bila kepala keluarga masuk Kristen maka semua bawahannya ikut masuk Kristen sesuai dengan struktur patriarkhal keluarga Yunani. Tentu saja orang secara pribadi – lepas dari salah satu keluarga – dapat masuk Kristen dan kemudian menggabungkan diri dengan jemaat yang berpusatkan salah satu keluarga. Keluarga semacam itulah yang menjadi pusat, poros dan tulang punggung jemaat setempat. Dengan demikian kaum awam yang berkeluarga mesti disebut „tenaga inti jemaat“ dan bukan „imam, suster dan bruder“ seperti biasa dikatakan tentang peranan mereka dalam Gereja Katolik di Indonesia.

Banjar Baru, 30 Juli 2007
                                                                        
Rm  DR I Ketut Adi Hardana, MSF
(akan bersambung)

“Pendidikan anak adalah aset dalam keluarga. Oleh karena itu setiap orang tua harus memperhatikan pendidikan anak-anaknya.” Demikianlah pengantar yang disampaikan oleh Pastor Timotium I Ketut Hardana MSF, atau yang beken dipanggil Pastor Timo, dalam seminar pasangan suami istri yang dilaksanakan di Paroki St. Paulus, Buntok. Selanjutnya P. Timo menguraikan sebuah dokumen Gereja hasil Konsili Vatikan II berjudul “Gravissimum Educationis” yang menjadi wujud perhatian Gereja terhadap pentingnya pendidikan.

Seminar dengan tema “Pendidikan Anak, Aset dalam Keluarga” dilaksanakan pada, Minggu 28 Oktober 2007 di aula paroki. Hadir sekitar 36 pasutri (pasangan suami-istri) dari lima lingkungan dan beberapa stasi. Seminar berlangsung dari pukul 10.00 WIB sampai sekitar pukul 16.00 WIB dan dibagi dalam beberapa sesi serta diselingi dengan snack dan makan siang.

Secara umum, para pasutri yang hadir sepakat bahwa pendidikan sangatlah penting, terutama bagi anak-anak mereka. Bila diumpamakan, lebih baik mewariskan ilmu pengetahuan dibandingkan dengan kebun karet puluhan hektar atau uang ratusan juta. Namun belum semua pasutri mengalokasikan dana khusus demi pendidikan anak-anak mereka. Kesan yang muncul adalah cukuplah bila orangtua sanggup membiayai pendidikan dasar anak-anak. Sedangkan untuk pembiayaan sampai pendidikan tinggi belum cukup terpikirkan. Padahal itulah yang menjadi syarat bagi terciptanya generasi penerus yang kompeten dan tangguh di tengah arus globalisasi yang deras menerjang dunia kita sekarang.

Disampaikan pula oleh P. Timo problematika yang dihadapi setiap keluarga pada zaman ini. Arus globalisasi tidak hanya membawa hal-hal positif, tapi bersamanya juga hal-hal negatif. Bila keluarga tidak siap menghadapi ini dan tidak punya sikap yang jelas, maka arus deras globalisasi akan menyeret siapa saja tanpa ampun. Maka jangan heran bila pada zaman ini banyak orang yang hidup dengan nilai-nilai konsumeristis, hedonistis, pola jalan pintas atau budaya instan, dengan segala konsekwensinya. Inilah yang menjadi tantangan bagi kita semua.

Terima kasih kepada P. Timo, Tim Kerja Kerasulan Keluarga Paroki, para ketua lingkungan, dan seluruh panitia serta umat yang mendukung pelaksanaan acara ini. Tahun depan akan diadakan lagi seminar pasutri di Paroki Buntok.

Misa pembukaan Raker Komisi Keluarga Propinsi Gerejawi Samarinda ke-5, dipersembahkan oleh Mgr. F.X. Prajasuta, MSF didampingi Pastor Gregorius, CP, dengan petugas Misa dari Keuskupan Banjarmasin. Misa dimulai pada pukul 18.00 WITA. Lagu pembukaan “Saudara Mari Semua” mengalun mengiringi perarakan Uskup Mgr. Prajasuta, MSF petugas Misa memasuki ruang Misa.

“Pertama-tama saya ingin menyampaikan selamat datang kepada Anda semua. Karena saya sangat-sangat senang dan peduli dengan kerasulan keluarga. Saya harap Anda dengan sepenuh hati mengikuti Raker ini. Saya percaya usaha kita ini akan bermanfaat untuk Gereja di Indonesia. Trimakasih kepada Rm. Jeremias yang telah hadir di sini, saya percaya Rm. Jeremias akan mampu mendampingi Anda semua. Semoga Raker ini menjadi berkat bagi kita semua, khususnya bagi keluarga-keluarga kita,” demikian kata sambutan Uskup Prajasuta membuka Misa Raker Komisi Keluarga Propinsi Gerejawi Samarinda.

Dalam homili singkatnya, Mgr, Prajasuta berujar, “Saudari/saudara terkasih, kerasulan keluarga menurut pandangan saya mempunyai 3 fokus besar. Saya menyebutnya 3 M :
M yang pertama adalah mempersiapkan perkawinan, M yang kedua adalah membina perkawinan dan M yang ketiga adalah mendampingi perkawinan. Untuk M yang pertama, mempersiapkan perkawinan, kita mempersiapkan orang-orang untuk menikah secara dewasa untuk menghindari kegagalan dalam perkawinan. M yang kedua adalah membina perkawinan supaya perkawinan sungguh-sungguh bermutu, menjadi semakin bahagia dan semakin diteguhkan. Dan M yang ketiga mendampingi perkawinan, karena kita tidak boleh menutup mata terhadap tantangan-tantangan yang ada sehingga tidak sedikit keluarga-keluarga yang retak/pecah. Di sini tugas kita mendampingi mereka. Saya senang menyebut dengan istilah 3 M untuk memudahkan kita memahami, dengan metode angka-angka supaya mudah diingat. Saya minta hasil Raker ini pun nantinya dirumuskan dengan metode angka-angka, dengan kata lain dirumuskan dengan metode “Jepang”, singkatan dari jelas dan gampang. Saya minta dalam Raker ini pun ada bingkai-bingkainya, sehingga dapat memperjelas tujuan kita. Bagaimana hendaknya kita merumuskan kerasulan keluarga ini? Kalian sebagai suami istri hendaknya saling mencinta, maka anak-anak pun akan bahagia. Lalu juga dalam kursus persiapan perkawinan yang ada baiknya dirumuskan juga, pikirannya hidup dan hidup pakai pikiran! Jangan lupa untuk berdoa bersama dalam keluarga. Sebaiknya dari awal sebelum pernikahan saling mendoakan satu sama lain. Demikian dalam keluarga pun doa bersama sangat penting. Semua ini berbicara tentang kasih, jangan omong kosong saja! Saya percaya pengalaman Anda sudah banyak sekali. Hal-hal yang ingin saya tekankan dalam Raker ini :

1. Saya berharap Raker ini dapat dirumuskan dalam angka-angka dan
2. Cobalah membuat bingkai supaya perkawinan bahagia (jangan terlampau, banyak, cukup yang pokok-pokok saja). Sehingga saya berharap Raker ini dapat menjadi berkat bagi keluarga-keluarga, Gereja, keuskupan-keuskupan di seluruh Indonesia, juga bagi sesama dan menjadi pujian bagi Tuhan.

Raker ini saya harapkan dapat membangkitkan kesadaran kita bahwa kerasulan keluarga sangat penting, karena saya banyak mendengar persoalan-persoalan keluarga dan sifatnya sangat mendesak. Kalian harus tahu mana yang penting dan mendesak…” Usai doa spontan, Misa ditutup dengan menyanyikan lagu MB. No. 304.

Setelah Misa, acara dilanjutnya dengan menyanyi bersama yang dipandu oleh Pastor Jeremias, MSF. Kemudian dari pihak panitia Raker mulai memberikan kata sambutan serta penjelasan acara sepanjang proses Raker yang akan dijalani sampai dengan hari Minggu, 16 September mendatang. Pastor Timotius, MSF selaku Koordinator Komisi Keluarga Propinsi Gerejawi Samarinda dalam kata sambutannya berkata, "Ini adalah acara Propinsi Gerejawi Samarinda. Ini Raker yang ke-5, dimana Raker yang pertama diadakan di Banjarmasin, yang ke-2 di Palangkaraya, yang ke-3 di Tanjung Selor dan yang ke-4 di Samarinda. Ada 2 tema sentral yang akan kita bahas dalam Raker ini yaitu : ME dan Kawin Campur yang kata Bapak Uskup tadi erat kaitannya dengan 3 M. Khusus untuk ME memang giat sekali melaksanakan Weekend. Bahkan ME berencana akan mengadakan Camping Weekend di luar kota. Tentang kawin campur, ini adalah masalah krusial, khususnya di Keuskupan Banjarmasin. Di sini kita memberikan pendampingan buat anak-anak yang terlibat dalam kawin campur. Anda memiliki keuskupan masing-masing, semoga setelah Raker ini ada yang bisa Anda bawa pulang ke keuskupan dan paroki masing-masing. Selamat ber-Raker!”

Acara dilanjutkan dengan perkenalan peserta dari masing-masing Keuskupan. Yang mendapat giliran pertama adalah perwakilan dari masing-masing paroki di Keuskupan Banjarmasin. Yang mendapat kesempatan pertama adalah Paroki Santa Perawan Maria Yang Terkandung Tanpa Noda Kelayan, kemudian berturut-turut Paroki Hati Yesus Yang Maha Kudus Veteran, Paroki Katedral Keluarga Kudus Banjarmasin, Paroki Ave Maria Tanjung, Paroki Santo Yusup Kotabaru, Paroki Santo Vincensius A Paulo Batulicin, Paroki Stella Maris Sungai Danau, Paroki Santa Theresia Pelaihari, Paroki Bunda Maria Banjarbaru. Perkenalan peserta kemudian berlanjut dengan peserta dari Keuskupan Tanjung Selor, Keuskupan Agung Samarinda dan Keuskupan Palangkaraya menutup sesi perkenalan.

Pada hari kedua, para peserta Raker mulai masuk dalam proses. Diawali dengan laporan kegiatan yang telah dilaksanakan oleh masing-masing Komisi Keluarga di tiap-tiap keuskupan.

Dari Keuskupan Palangkaraya menyoroti beberapa hal, diantaranya :

1. Kursus perkawinan yang ada selama ini masih banyak yang bersifat dadakan. Karena banyak terjadi orang-orang datang ke kota hanya untuk melangsungkan perkawinan. Tapi di Katedral Santa Maria sudah dilakukan penyelenggaraan kursus perkawinan dengan baik. 
2. Kendala-kendala yang dihadapi terjadi mutasi pastor-pastor paroki sehingga program yang sudah dibuat tidak dapat diteruskan (tidak nyambung).

Pastor Rettob, MSC dari Keuskupan Tanjung Selor mengungkapkan beberapa hal penting perihal kegiatan komisi keluarga yang telah dilaksanakan di Keuskupan Tanjung Selor. Rm. Rettob, MSC, dimana di Keuskupan Tanjung Selor sendiri sudah dibentuk Komisi Keluarga, dengan Pastor Rettob sebagai Ketuanya. Pastor Rettob pun menceritakan tentang Raker Komisi Keluarga yang telah dilaksanakan di Keuskupannya beberapa bulan silam, dimana dalam Raker tersebut kemudian memilih pendidikan nilai sebagai skala prioritas kegiatan. Dari sini dicetuskan visi dan misi ke depan, dimana hasil-hasil Raker Komisi Keluarga perlu dibawa terus kepada rapat-rapat para pastor. Dalam hal ini perlu pendampingan sebelum, saat maupun sesudah pernikahan (sama seperti 3 M yang disampaikan Bapak Uskup) dan Bapak Uskup menekankan pula untuk tingkat Paroki (pastor paroki dan komisi) untuk melakukan pendampingan keluarga dengan membuat tim pada masing-masing paroki. Hal baru yang jadi karya unggulan adalah Masalah Kesetaraan Gender dan Pro-Life, dan kalau tidak salah hal ini juga dibahas di Bali dan dalam beberapa kesempatan lain. Pastor Rettob juga mensosialisasikan Undang-undang Kekerasan dalam Rumah Tangga karena masih banyak umat yang belum tahu, sekaligus memperkenalkan Undang-undang Perlindungan Anak. Pendidikan nilai yang dijadikan skala prioritas ternyata banyak disukai oleh umat, khususnya ibu-ibu. Misalnya saja mereka membuat aneka jenis makanan dari ubi, sehingga keluarga menjadi senang.

Sr. Theofile, PRR dari Keuskupan Agung Samarinda menjelaskan paparannya sebagai berikut :

1. Perkawinan campur (2000-2007) beda gereja di paroki-paroki meningkat, tapi ada yang menurun. Banyak yang menemukan jodoh agama lain lalu pindah agama.
2. Banyak remaja putri yang hamil sebelum nikah. Di sini penghargaan terhadap sakramen kurang. Jadi banyak yang kawin secara adat saja. Kalau tidak cocok bubar cari yang lain. Mempersiapkan kaum muda kurang berjalan dengan baik.
3. Pembatalan perkawinan, untuk saat ini baru 1 orang yang mendapat ijin dari Uskup. Sedang isu-isu pisah rumah/ranjang banyak yang tidak lapor. Dengan alasan kekerasan dalam keluarga.
4. Di Keuskupan kami, 24 paroki sudah mempunyai Seksi Keluarga tapi sampai sekarang baru menjalankan KPP (Kursus Persiapan Perkawinan) saja.
5. Bulan Agustus 2007, kami melaksanakan Turney Krisma di 14 stasi yang digabungkan di 4 tempat, dimana saat itu dilakukan dialog dengan Uskup tentang sukaduka kehidupan mereka sehari-hari. 
6. Sosialisasi kesetaraan gender dan kekerasan dalam rumah tangga.
7. Pada bulan Oktober akan ada kunjungan keluarga di Paroki Katedral.
8. Untuk sosialisasi Kekerasan Dalam Rumah Tangga akan dihandel oleh Komisi Keadilan dan Perdamaian.

Sedangkan dari Keuskupan Banjarmasin, laporan Komisi Keluarga disampaikan oleh Pastor Timotius, MSF yang menjelaskan beberapa hal, diantaranya : 

1. Kunjungan keluarga sudah rutin dilakukan, untuk menyapa mereka satu persatu. Hal ini juga dilakukan diparoki-paroki luar Banjarbaru. 
2. Bekerjasama dengan Kordis ME untuk melaksanakan APME secara rutin. Untuk tahun depan akan dilaksanakan camping APME di paroki Tanjung. 
3. Mengadakan perayaan Ekaristi Keluarga sebagai wahana untuk mengakrabkan antar anggota keluarga, biasanya pada perayaan pesta keluarga kudus. 
4. Bekerjasama dengan Pastor Paroki untuk mendorong terbentuknya seksi keluarga di paroki-paroki. 
5. Melakukan pendampingan keluarga-keluarga di paroki 
6. Pendampingan khusus untuk persiapan perkawinan diparoki-paroki untuk menjangkau paroki-paroki yang jauh dari keuskupan sehingga dibuatkan program khusus 
7. Membuat Pembekalan seksi keluarga diparoki-paroki dengan cara berkeliling untuk memberi animasi dan pembekalan materi. 
8. Kerjasama komisi keluarga dengan propinsial MSF Kalimantan untuk membuat kegiatan-kegiatan dengan beragam tema. Untuk saat ini baru menjangkau 4 paroki kota (karena kendala jarak) dimana dilaksanakan sebulan sekali pada minggu ketiga. 
9. Bekerjasama juga untuk melakukan kegiatan serupa diparoki luar kota. 
10. Mengusahakan beasiswa untuk anak-anak yang kurang mampu. 
11. Menyelenggarakan Weekend Tulang Rusuk yang baru-baru ini diadakan di Banjarmasin.

Mulai pukul 16.00 Wita, para peserta Raker mendapat penjelasan dari Pastor Lukas Huvang Ajat, MSF dan pasutri Yenyen ? Chang Hwa tentang seluk beluk Marriage Encounter. Dalam sesi ini pun disampaikan sharing oleh mereka-mereka yang pernah mengikuti APME (Akhir Pekan ME), diantaranya dari Pastor Simon Edy Kabul Teguh Santoso, Pr, Sr. Blandina, SCMM dan satu pasangan suami istri.

Di hari berikutnya, para peserta Raker dibawa untuk mendalami materi Kawin Campur yang disampaikan oleh Pastor Dr. I Ketut Timotius Adi Hardana, MSF. Di sini banyak dijelaskan berbagai hal terkait dengan perkawinan campur (beda gereja dan beda agama). Dalam sesi ini banyak terlontar sharing dari para peserta Raker maupun dari beberapa Pastor yang ikut hadir.

Dalam Raker ini diputuskan beberapa poin penting bagi pendampingan keluarga, diantaranya : Pemberikan pelayanan pastoral dengan murah hati, karena Paus sendiri mengajak kita untuk merangkul pasangan-pasangan suami istri yang luar biasa (mengalami kawin campur). Karena dalam hal ini, Gereja tidak pernah meninggalkan para pasutri yang demikian itu; dengan catatan tidak menerobos aturan-aturan main yang telah digariskan oleh pihak Gereja.

“Kasih tidak hanya ada di dalam keluarga, tetapi dalam keluarga harus ada kasih. Namun di dalam perkawinan tidak selalu ada kasih,” demikian disampaikan Pastor Jeremias Bala Pito Duan, MSF selaku Konselebran Utama dalam Misa Penutupan Rapat Kerja Komisi Keluarga Propinsi Gerejawi Samarinda, Minggu, 16 September 2007 di Paroki Bunda Maria Banjarbaru. Misa juga dipersembahkan bersama oleh Pastor Dr. I Ketut Timotius Adi Hardana, MSF selaku Koordinator Komisi Keluarga Propinsi Gerejawi Samarinda, Pastor Sabinus Gregorius, CP dan Pastor Pius Rettob, MSC.

Dalam homilinya, Pastor Jeremias berujar, “Dewasa ini banyak perkawinan yang berumur lama, telah menjadikan mereka-mereka yang terikat dalam Sakramen Perkawinan menjadi “lupa” akan status mereka, entah itu sebagai suami maupun sebagai istri. Suami kependekan dari “selalu untuk anak maupun istri”, sedangkan istri adalah singkatan dari “istimewakan suami tanpa rasa iri”. Bagaimana anda memberikan nilai terhadap suami atau istri Anda? Umumnya kita ini mau mencintai, yaitu cinta “karena” (misalnya karena cantik, karena kaya, karena ini dan itu”). Juga ada cinta, yaitu cinta “supaya” (misalnya saya melakukan ini untukmu, supaya di lain hari ketika saya memerlukannya, kamu bisa melakukannya untuk saya). Tapi yang paling baik adalah cinta “meskipun” (saya mencintai kamu karena dulu kamu ganteng, dan saya tetap mencintaimu meskipun kamu sudah menjadi orang TOP (tua, ompong, peyot) sekarang. Maka disini diharapkan kita dapat mencintai pasangan kita sampai akhir. Banyak terjadi untuk jaman sekarang ini, orang yang telah berumah tangga tidak mampu membuat komitmen seumur hidup. Maka dengan sendirinya, tantangan hidup berkeluarga adalah sangat berat. Untuk itu kita perlu berhati-hati, supaya makin hari keluarga kita makin “kecé”. Seperti apa yang saya sampaikan di awal Misa tadi, maka marilah kita membangun keluarga Kristiani yang harmonis, salah satunya dengan cara memberikan pujian yang positif kepada pasangan kita, maupun kepada anak-anak kita, amin.”

Dalam Misa kali ini pun diucapkan Pembaharuan Janji Perkawinan dan Pembaharuan Janji Imamat. Misa berlangsung meriah karena disepanjang prosesi, Pastor Jeremias beberapa kali mengajak umat untuk menyanyi bersama, diantaranya lagu “Keluarga Kudus” dan “Kumau Cinta Yesus Selamanya.” Dalam kesempatan inipun, para peserta Raker yang seluruhnya berjumlah 57 orang, dengan perincian 49 orang dari Keuskupan Banjarmasin, 2 orang perwakilan Keuskupan Agung Samarinda, 2 orang dari Keuskupan Tanjung Selor dan 4 orang dari Keuskupan Palangkaraya memperkenalkan diri satu persatu kepada umat yang hadir di Paroki Bunda Maria Banjarbaru pagi ini. Usai Misa, para peserta kembali menuju Wisma Sikhar untuk membuat RESUME Hasil Raker serta membuat Program Kerja untuk masing-masing Keuskupan.

Setelah makan siang bersama, para peserta Raker berjabat tangan sebelum meninggalkan Wisma Sikhar untuk kembali ke Keuskupan maupun Paroki masing-masing. Dalam kesempatan ini pun diadakan serah terima Vandel Komisi Keluarga Propinsi Gerejawi Samarinda kepada Keuskupan Palangkaraya, sebagai tanda bahwa Keuskupan Palangkaraya adalah tuan rumah untuk penyelenggaraan Raker Komisi Keluarga selanjutnya.

Sampai jumpa tahun 2008 mendatang dalam acara yang sama di Keuskupan Palangkaraya. Proficiat untuk para peserta dan panitia penyelenggara. TUHAN memberkati.

[reported by : Dionisius Agus Puguh Santosa; 17/09/2007; 10:50 am; anggota Panitia Raker Komisi Keluarga Propinsi Gerejawi Samarinda]

1. “Bagaimana meningkatkan efektivitas komunikasi antar pribadi dalam keluarga, khususnya keluarga Katolik”?. Apa yang menjadi hambatan?
2. Mungkin Frater bisa memberikan sedikit gambaran/outline tentang meningkatkan efektivitas komunikasi dalam keluarga.
   bagaimana tanggapan Fr. tentang moral politik dalam kehidupan menggereja?

Terima kasih sebelumnya atas jawaban dari frater.
melky fransiskus.

Pertama-tama kami mengucapkan terima kasih buat Saudara Melky Fransiskus atas beberapa beberapa pertanyaan buat redaksi Musafir.

Tanggapan kami:

Masalah-masalah dalam kehidupan keluarga dan perkawinan dapat timbul karena berbagai faktor. Secara garis besar masalah yang terjadi dalam kehidupan berkeluarga dapat dikelompkkan menjadi dua bagian, yakni secara internal dan eksternal. Faktor dari dalam (internal) salah satu yang bisa disebut di sini adalah masalah komunikasi. Paus Yohanes Paulus II menulis demikian dalam surat apostoliknya: “Tanpa komunikasi dialog yang jujur, terbuka, baik verbal dan non verbal sulitlah bagi kita untuk memahami keluarga sebagai suatu komunitas antar pribadi”. (Familiaris concortio. 18). Mengapa komunikasi ini sangat penting karena bila mana komunikasi antar masing-masing indvidu dalam keluarga berjalan pastilah banyak kesulitan dan masalah keluarga dapat diselesaikan secara kekeluargaan. Dari sebab itu masing-masing pribadi perlu memahami teknik komunikasi yang baik, yang dapat memperdalam relasi antara suami-istri, serta relasi dengan anggota keluarga yang  lain. Tantangan keluarga-keluarga dalam bidang komunikasi dewasa ini adalah bagaimana dalam situasi yang serba sibuk ini: suami-istri, anak-anak, masih bisa meluangkan waktu untuk saling berkomunikasi baik secara kualitas dan kuantitas. Salah satu syarat yang penting agar komunikasi bisa berjalan dengan baik adalah masing-masing individu perlu mempunyai empati.

Empati berawal dari sikap terbuka, memberi kesempatan pihak lain untuk mengekspresikan dirinya, serta mau menerima yang lain apa adanya. Komunikasi yang baik mengandaikan masing-masing pihak saling mendengarkan. Juga bila dalam keluarga terjadi konflik maka masing-masing pribadi diberi kesempatan untuk berbicara secara terbuka, tanpa mengadili. Kemarahan muncul bisa jadi karena adanya perbedaan pandangan, tetapi perbedaan itu pun perlu dihargai sebab dalam hal-hal tertentu memang perlu berbeda, tidak semuanya harus serba seragam. Hambatan yang paling pokok adalah tidak adanya keterbukaan dalam keluarga. Mengapa demikian? karena masing-masing pribadi belum saling mengenal karakter antara satu dengan yang lainnya.

Saya rasa salah satu cara demi efektifnya komunikasi dalam keluarga adalah masing-masing pribadi saling mau membuka diri, setidaknya dalam suatu keluarga ada sikap saling menghormati, saling mendengarkan sehingga setiap ada permasalahan tidak hanya diselesaikan seorang diri (single figther), melainkan bisa disahrekan dengan anggota yang lain sehingga semua bisa ikut merasakan dan membantu mencari solusinya. Ini semuanya bisa terwujud sejauh masing-masing pribadi dalam keluarga berani membangun suatu dialog dan komnukasi antara satu dengan yang lainnnya.

Tentang moral politik dalam kehidupan menggereja: saya rasa peran umat beriman dalam panggung/dunia politik tidak bisa dilepaskan begitu saja dari tugas perutusan Gereja yaitu mewartakan dan mewujudkan Kerajaan Allah. Seperti Kristus melaksanakan karya penebusan dalam kemiskinan, begitu pula Gereja dipanggil untuk menempuh jalan yang sama (LG.8). bentuk konkrit yang bisa dilakukan oleh umat beriman dalam kehidupan politik adalah menyelamatkan sesama dengan cara membela hidup manusia dalam segala dimensinynya. Hidup manusia perlu dibela karena hidup itu berharga, bernilai, dan sekaligus menunjukkan bahwa manusia adalah makhluk yang paling tinggi martabatnya di antara ciptaan lainnya. Jadi Gereja Katolik tetap membebaskan umatnya untuk berpolitik, asalkan politik itu dilandasi pada nilai-nilai moral. Pada dasarnya bahwa politik Katolik adalah bahwa tidak ada sesuatu yang ekslusif Katolik dalam perkara politik. Artinya apa yang diperjuangkan Gereja Katolik adalah kepentingan umum, termasuk kepentingan kemanusiaan universal yang nota bene pun menjadi perjuangan agama lain. Kepentingan Katolik dalam politik adalah kesejahteraan dan keadilan bagi seluruh masyarakat yang beragam, bukan hanya untuk kepentingan orang katolik saja. Dalam nota pastoral KWI Desember 2003 menyebutkan delapan prinsip berpolitik yaitu: (1) hormat terhadap martabat manusia, (2) kebebasan, (3) keadilan, (4) solidaritas, (5) subsidiaritas, (6) fairness, (7) demokrasi, dan (8) tanggung jawab.

Demikian beberapa tanggapan kami buat saudara Melky yang suda mengajukan pertanyaan kepada team redaksi Musafir. Semoga bermanfaat.
Fr.Daniel MSF
Salam hormat kami dari redaksi Musafir

Judul di atas tentu bukan lagi hal baru, karena sudah kerapkali kita dengar entah lewat khotbah atau kita baca dalam buku bagi yang hoby membaca. Tetapi akankah ungkapan itu menggugah, mengetuk atau menyadarkan kita sebagai orang tua maupun sebagai pendidik untuk menanamkan iman kepada anak-anak kita. Tak dapat dipungkiri bahwa dunia semakin menarik kita dalam beragam pilihan yang membuat hati terkadang sulit memilih mana yang baik dan mana yang tidak baik, film-film sinetron yang ditayangkan tidak banyak memberi sesuatu yang bisa mendidik anak-anak kita.

Berdasarkan sharing-sharing dari beberapa pasang keluarga bagaiman mereka mendidik anak-anaknya, bisa disimpulkan dengan sebuah rangkaian kata-kata:
Bila ada cahaya di mata, pasti ada cinta di hati
Bila ada cinta di hati, pasti ada kecantikan dalam pribadi
Bila ada kecantikan dalam pribadi, pasti ada harmoni dalam keluarga
Bila ada harmoni dalam keluarga, pasti ada ketertiban dalam masyarakat
Bila ada ketertiban dalam masyarakat, pasti ada kedamaian dalam dunia
Bila ada kedamaian dalam dunia, pasti ada keselamatan di surga.

Maka bisa dikatakan bahwa makna dari sebuah keluarga adalah sebagai sel dasar, sebagai sekolah, sebagai tempat rekreasi, sebagai gereja, sebagai surga atau sebaliknya bisa juga keluarga sebagai rumah sakit, sebagai neraka yang pertama; maka sekarang bagaimana cara dan peran orang tua dalam membawa keluarga ke arah kebahagiaan, keharmonisan, dan kedamaian dalam dunia yang terus-menerus berubah.

Menjadi tugas orang tua untuk menentukan sikap dalam menyikapi perubahan dan perkembangan yang terjadi di sekitar lingkungan kita, terutama dalam mensikapi kecenderungan anak seperti; anak yang tidak mengenal siapa yang ada di sekitarnya, tidak peka terhadap lingkungan sosial, anak yang menjadi egois dan bersikap individualis yang lebih senang dengan hiburan belaka, sehinggan malas ke gereja atau bahkan tidak mengenal gereja.

Dalam menanggulangi persoalan ini orang tua hendaknya juga tidak hanya mempercayakan pendidikan si anak kepada sekolah atau guru semata. Tetapi orang tua pun mesti berperan, supaya keluarga sebagai pendidikan sel dasar dapat berfungsi dengan semestinya. Dalam kehidupan keluarga sekarang ini, kerap dijumpai anak tidak patuh pada orang tua, sementara itu orang tua sibuk tanpa mengenal batas bekerja sepanjang hari, televisi,  HP, internet menjadi “tabernakel utama”, shooping ke mal-mal menjadi rekreasi alternative, dan Tuhan tidak lagi dibutuhkan atau urusan dengan Tuhan menjadi nomor yang kesekian. Begitu pula tindak kekerasan dalam rumah tangga semakin merajalela; memang segala-galanya dapat dibeli dengan uang namun orang tidak bisa membeli kebahagiaan.

Tantangan bagi keluarga-keluarga kristiani dewasa ini adalah bagaiman dengan kemajuan teknologi dengan berbagai kecanggihannya itu dapat digunakan sebagai sarana untuk semakin memanusiakan anak-anak kita menjadi manusia yang utuh dan mendalam imannya. Jangan sampai hingar-bingar dunia ini justru membuat kepekaan anak menjadi tumpul. Dalam hal inilah orang tua diingatkan betapa pentingnya menanamkan nilai-nilai iman pada anaksejak dini melalui kebiasaan dan teladan hidup dari orang tua sehingga dapat menghantar anak menemukan kebahagiaan dalam keluarga yang harmonis. Ingat anak membutuhkan kehadiran, pujian, sentuhan, hadia dan waktu bersama serta pelayanan orang tua sebab masa depan anak dan kematangan iman anak pun tidak bisa dilepaskan dari peran serta anggota keluarga. Persiapkanlah anak-anak kita untuk menyongsong masa depan, membangun kepribadian dan iman, dan kesadarannya saat ini dan hari ini.

Doa Seorang Ibu

Kuserahkan nama-nama anakku ke dalam tangan-Mu ya Tuhan
Tulislah nama-nama anakku, dengan tinta yang tak terputuskan
Agar tak ada siapapun juga yang dapat merebutnya
Peganglah tangan anak-anakku bila mereka harus kulepaskan
Biarlah mereka dilindungi kuat-Mu terlepas bebas dari segala kelemahan
Tuhan Kau tahu betapa hebatnya dunia menarik mereka, jagalah jangan sampai
Mereka tenggelam dalam gelombang cobaan dunia yang kejam
Saya tak minta agar anak-anakku bebas lepas dari setiap penderitaan
Hanya saya minta keberanian dan daya tahan bagi mereka dalam ketakutan dan tantangan
Biralah di dalam nama-Mu mereka beroleh perlindungan dalam satu ikatan
Yang tak terputuskan. Kuserahkan nama-nama anakku ke dalam tangan-Mu ya Tuhan.
(Sr. Firmina, MASF)

bersama Pastor Dr Al Purwa Hadiwardoyo MSF, dosen Moral Kristiani - Universitas Sanata Dharma

Pastor, saya seorang anak muda Katolik mempunyai seorang teman dekat (teman kerja, berasal dari Batak) yang berpacaran dengan seorang cowok yang berasal dari Batak juga.  Keduanya sudah lama menjalin hubungan dekat sebagai sepasang kekasih yang secara serius ingin membangun hidup berkeluarga melalui penerimaan sakramen secara Katolik. Namun saat ini mereka mengalami sedikit persoalan, karena baik teman saya maupun pacarnya, keduanya bermarga sama, yaitu marga Siagian. Menurut cerita mereka, secara adat mereka berdua tidak bisa menikah dalam arti hidup sebagai pasangan suami istri karena bermarga sama. Namun di sisi lain mereka berdua tidak menginginkan masa pacaran yang sudah sekian lama itu hancur di tengah jalan hanya karena persoalan kesamaan marga, meskipun setelah ditanyakan kepada orangtua mereka masing-masing, ternyata mereka tidak mempunyai ikatan/hubungan kekeluargaan atau berada dalam garis keturunan yang sama.

Yang ingin saya tanyakan adalah : Apakah Gereja Katolik bisa memberikan pelayanan penerimaan sakramen perkawinan meskipun keduanya bermarga sama? Apakah mereka bisa menikah secara sah kalau pada akhirnya diketahui bahwa meskipun bermarga sama tetapi tidak mempunyai hubungan keluarga samasekali? Apakah persoalan yang dihadapi teman saya ini termasuk halangan perkawinan?

Ajeng, Balikpapan

Jawaban:
Sdr.Ajeng yang baik, Gereja Katolik pada dasarnya menghargai agama-agama lain maupun budaya-budaya asli, termasuk budaya Batak. Meskipun demikian, Gereja Katolik tidak terikat pada peraturan dari agama-agama lain maupun budaya-budaya asli itu. Gereja Katolik mempunyai hukum-hukum sendiri, termasuk di bidang perkawinan.

Menurut Gereja Katolik, kesamaan marga bukanlah sebuah halangan perkawinan. Yang merupakan halangan perkawinan adalah hubungan keluarga dekat. Seorang Katolik, misalnya, tidak boleh menikah dengan kemenakannya sendiri, kecuali setelah ada dispensasi dari pimpinan Gereja yang berwenang. Seorang Katolik juga tidak boleh menikah dengan saudara sepupunya sendiri, kecuali setelah ada dispensasi dari pimpinan gereja yang berwenang.

Berdasarkan hal-hal di atas, jawaban saya atas pertanyaan anda adalah :
Gereja Katolik bisa menikahkan dua orang Katolik yang punya marga yang sama. Dua orang yang bermarga sama tetapi tidak punya hubungan keluarga dekat dapat menikah secara sah di gereja Katolik. Kesamaan marga antara dua orang Batak, menurut gereja Katolik, bukanlah sebuah halangan perkawinan.

Selama ini saya melihat banyak pasangan yang sudah berkeluarga dalam arti sudah memiliki anak menerima sakramen perkawinan secara massal. Yang menjadi pertanyaan saya adalah : Bagaimana status perkawinan mereka sebelum menerima sakramen perkawinan?

Bukankah kehidupan keluarga (dalam arti yang belum menerima sakramen perkawinan) seperti itu mengurangi kesucian dan keluhuran sakramen perkawinan, karena sebelum menerima sakramen perkawinan mereka telah melakukan hubungan seksual bahkan sudah memiliki anak? Hal ini menjadi persoalan, karena menurut saya sakramen perkawian merupakan suatu hal yang suci dan luhur, maka seharusnya orang yang mau menerima sakramen perkawinan tidak melakukan hubungan seksual dulu.

Ginting, Balikpapan

Jawaban: 
Sdr.Ginting yang baik. Tentang penerimaan sakramen perkawinan, perlu dibedakan dua hal. Yang pertama, pembaharuan janji nikah secara massal. Dalam hal ini, perkawinan mereka yang terlibat dalam acara itu, menurut hukum Gereja Katolik, sebenarnya sudah sah. Dengan kata lain, acara tersebut semata-mata merupakan upacara liturgis saja, tidak mempunyai dampak yuridis apa pun juga. Upacara liturgis itu dilaksanakan hanya demi kemantapan hati dan perasaan saja.

Yang kedua, pengesahan perkawinan secara massal. Dalam hal ini, perkawinan mereka sebelumnya, menurut hukum Gereja Katolik, belumlah sah, meskipun menurut adat setempat maupun menurut hukum pemerintah mungkin sudah sah. Kalau demikian, acara itu merupakan upacara yuridis, yang dilaksanakan oleh gereja untuk mengesahkan perkawinan mereka.

Upacara tersebut tidak semata-mata bersifat liturgis belaka. Menurut pimpinan Gereja Katolik, dalam hal ini terutama berarti Bapa Suci di Roma, orang-orang Katolik yang perkawinannya belum sah menurut hukum Gereja Katolik tidak diperkenankan menerima sakramen-sakramen. Mereka lebih dahulu harus mengesahkan perkawinan mereka, baru kemudian boleh menerima sakramen-sakramen, termasuk sakramen Mahakudus atau komuni.

Meskipun demikian, dalam praktek, larangan pimpinan gereja Katolik tersebut tidak selalu ditaati secara ketat dan tegas. Pertama, mungkin karena umat biasa memang kurang tahu tentang larangan tersebut. Kedua, mungkin karena pimpinan gereja lokal tidak terlalu ketat dan tegas dalam menerapkan larangan itu.

Beberapa ibu (yang memang sendirian datang tanpa suami) mendekati pasutri Dita dan Diktus, menanyakan resep untuk kemesraan yang mereka lihat terjadi pada pasutri ini. Apakah ibu menggunakan pelet atau guna-guna sehingga bapak sepertinya tidak mau jauh dari ibu ? Sungguh mati, mereka sangat iri hati melihat kemesraan dan relasi pasutri Dita dan Diktus ini. Kemanapun pergi mereka selalu bersama dan sungguh mesra!

Pasutri Diktus dan Dita adalah alumni ME (Marriage Encounter) angkatan V. Sebelum mengikuti week end ME, mereka sama saja seperti pasutri lainnya. Rukun ya memang rukun, tetapi perwujudan rukun itu seperti arus dalam masyarakat biasa, tidak berani menunjukkan kemesraan. ME telah memberikan dan menawarkan pelatihan bagaiman mereka harus menjalin kemesraan melalui ralasi dan dialog yang setiap malam mereka lakukan. Apa saja mereka dialogkan dalam keseharian mereka. Kegembiraan yang mereka alami hari itu, masalah anak, masalah rumah tangga, masalah ekonomi, masalah perasaan, silang selisih, bahkan sampai ke masalah hubungan intim antas keduanya, semuanya didialogkan melalui surat cinta yang mereka buat. Hanya sepuluh menit tiap harinya. Perlahan tapi pasti, kebiasaan ini menciptakan suatu perwujudan cinta yang tidak terduga dampaknya, baik terhadap diri sendiri, maupun terhadap orang banyak. Apa yang ada di dalam diri mereka, yang menjadi kebiasaan, akan terpancarkan keluar. Tanpa disadari pasti akan dilihat oleh pihak luar.

Inilah yang dilihat oleh para ibu yang kebetulan tidak bersama suami mereka, karena memang para suami tidak terlalu suka hadir bersama para isteri. Bukan karena isteri tidak cantik, tetapi memang tidak ada yang harus diwujudkan keluar. Keluarga sebagai Gereja mini, tertuangkan dalam penampilan para pasutri. Pasutri Diktus dan Dita telah melaksanakan amanat Kristus untuk ikut “mewartakan Kerajaan Allah”

Oleh : P. Frans HH MSF

Marriage Encounter (ME) di Indonesia

Awalnya seorang Suster, Patricia dari Gembala Baik-Jakarta, mengikuti weekend ME pertamanya di St Louis USA. Weekend Marriage Encounter membuatnya dia begitu terkesan sehingga ia mengungkapkan dalam sebuah rapat dimana hadir juga Mgr. Leo Soekoto, Uskup Agung Jakarta. Ini merupakan introduksi pertama untuk Mgr. Leo.

Kedua kalinya Mgr. Leo mempelajari gerakan Marriage Encounter waktu beliau mengunjungi Centrum Marriage Consultation di keuskupan Gent, Belgia. Bapak Uskup diperkenalkan dengan pastor Guido Heyrbaut Pr. yang ditugaskan oleh Kardinal Suenens untuk menangani gerakan Marriage Encounter.

Kedua pertemuan ini menjadi alasan untuk mengundang pastor Guido dengan teamnya agar datang untuk memperkenalkan Marriage Encounter dengan segala seluk beluknya. Itu terjadi 25 s/d 27 Juli 1975. Pertemuan pertama ME diadakan di Evergreen, Tugu, Puncak, dalam bahasa Belanda. Yang hadir adalah:

• Mgr. Leo Soekoto SJ
• Pastor Cor van de Meerendonk CICM
• 9 Pasangan suami-isteri: Sindhunata, Soetandar, Undyantara, Gunawan, Sarwono, Iskandar Tjan, Gitomartoyo,Tony Trisnadi, dan Marsidi
• 2 suster: Sr. Dolorose CB dan Sr. Caroli

"And, what do you do when she also won't get anything checked except for her thyroid while at the doctors. That alone wont tell you about her hormones.  Although I can deal with it, she can't and won't get help. She's ready for a divorce, but I know that that's not the answer either.   Any suggestions?"

Sometimes, life seems to comes at us so hard.  We are literally asked to love at the speed of light.  The mix of confusion and dismay we experience seems unyielding in their oppressiveness.  If we are not careful, we will find ourselves sucked into a nightmare not of our own making.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been choosing to take my thoughts and feelings down the path of how love, friendship, and relationships work.  For many of you this may seem at odds with the nature of a blog that seems to want to draw attention to my new book IM with God. 

So what on earth is this fellow (AngllHugnU2), who wrote a book on God, writing about love, friendship, and relationships?  The answer to that is easy. 

For many of us, if not all, we have an illusion of what Life with God is truly all about.  And, for the most part, that's okay.  I will address why to that in a few more sentences.  But, for right now,  I have come to discover we tend to THINK because we have been taught there to be one way to find God, other avenues of discovery simply are not reasonable, accurate, or real.  We tend to limit God to a resturant, or a church, or a book (in most cases The Bible or Kuran) we are trying to find on a street, in a town, or on a shelf. 

Well folks, God is much bigger and carries far more influence over all of what we experience than the silly situations in which we involve ourselves.  In fact, whether you like it or not (or accept it or not) The One (God) in you is far closer to us, and we to The One, than you could ever imagine.

Using the above story,  written to me by a fine and upstanding man, about a woman who seems at odds with herself changing physically and (perhaps) spiritually, we can find some real answers.

'Bob' is confronted with one of those confusing and frustrating moments in life where everything he holds as valuable seems to be changing in the blink of an eye.  He is faced with a potential nightmare built upon various levels of intrigue; physical, mental, and sprititual.  Finding a quick answer would be great but, ultimately what he will encounter will be HIS illusion of love versus HER illusion of love facing off.

Physically, Mary has a complex set of circumstances for sure.  A new therapist acquaintance of mine, Dr. James Clark,  offered the following important assessment for 'Bob'...

"An extreme amount of patience, on both the man's part and the woman's, is going to be needed when dealing with menopause.  Just remember, menopause is a normal biological occurrence and it effects each woman differently.

"First and foremost, Bob will need to respect his wife's decisions about what to have checked and what not to have checked.   Her thyroid gland is an endocrine gland, situated in the neck.  This gland secretes hormones necessary for growth and proper metabolism. The symptoms of thyroid disease and menopause are often the same, so thyroid disease may go undetected in women of menopausal age.

"So, Millions of women suffering a variety of unresolved symptoms thought to be menopause-related -- even while treated with estrogen -- may actually be suffering from undiagnosed thyroid disease.   I noticed that Bob's age is 36-45, if hers is the same she may not be going through menopause.   BUT, even if she is Bob will need to be the steady, level-headed, rock she needs right now."

In other words, what I learned from Dr Jimmy, is that Bob needs to be present to the needs of what his relationship's becoming.  He needs to listen to all of what is happening and choose to learn from it enough so that he can be responsive in a loving way to remain the level-headed rock she thought him to be at the altar.  And then again,  Mary may just discover him to be stronger than she had ever thought. 

So, what lies ahead for Bob and Mary are some tough touch and go situations and decisions.

All of us, in similar situations, have two decisions to make.  We can choose to get sucked into the confusing maze of the menopausal experience and call that "the happiest we will ever be."  This IS an easy option in which we could find ourselves.  We tend to take far to many things personal and too seriously under the wrong perception. 

On the other hand,  we can decide to find love living beyond the haze of our fear and loathing of what a loved one is telling us.  This means being present to what is real and dealing with what is really happening. 

All too often we tend to define who we are by the changes we experience physically and mentally.  We are far greater than these bodies designed for failure.  The affects of our choices to love are enormous.  Our bodies failure to function is but a reflection of something physical breaking down and/or the outcome of what we might have put our bodies through to create the mess in the first place.  In any case, the issue must be diagnosed accurately....and honestly.

So, we need to understand, that at the very core of our relationship is honesty.  We must be honest with our Self especially.   Honesty is living with integrity.  Having integrity means you are friends with truth.  Truth means you have a clue there is something real about Love.  And, recognizing love in your life means you sense the presence of something truly greater about the life you live, in that it must be really really close to The One (God) somehow. 

So, in short, Bob needs to find a way to peel away the illusion of fear that seems to be encompassing his loved, to help ease Mary to a more comfortable time beyond this period in which she seems to find herself and their relationship seemingly on the brink.

So, with that said, right now it would appear honesty is not playing a critical part of Bob and Mary's relationship. Pride (authored by the ego) plays a huge part in how one chooses to see their Self in relation to the rest of the world. No body wants to breakdown, feel old, or no longer useful.    So, for Bob, Mary, you or I to pretend we are physically whole, still physically young, and apparently holding off feelings of uselessness becomes an issue when things physically or mentally begin to go wrong.

Given there are some issues the onset of menopause has illuminated, Bob needs to find a good counselor who will walk Bob and Mary through this difficult time in their life.  Choosing a good sound counselor is critical. For both are dealing with a loved one being changing physically, and perhaps mentally (or even spiritually).

Learning to navigate the issues of change sometimes requires some help.  We simply can not continue to apply the salves that have helped us thus far thinking they are a cure all.  The fog of confusion that now mars what otherwise might have been a good relationship can appear to be as thick as pea soup or as light as that found on an early morn.   Going to see a marriage counselor....a good one...is a good thing.  It can prove to be the sunlight needed to burn off the haze of fantasy causing this present bump in the road of life. 

From what it sounds, Bob and Mary have been in this relationship for a while, he loves her, and she apparently had feelings for him . So, a really good counselor can shine a light on the illusions that are preventing both of you from enjoying a continued long fruitful life together.

As for her asking or wanting a divorce....well...sometimes acts taken in drastic measure like this one....given the two are still experiencing some measure of genuine love, is like an elephant going to the elephant grave yard; your spouse may simply feel all is lost if she is losing something physical that is affecting her emotional needs.

So, if  there is the willingness to do so, find a good counselor. Learn how to love one another all over again. If that does not work, and divorce is still what he or she is desiring.....Find a good counselor for yourself to weather the emotional storm that event will give rise to.

Remember, if you are in a situation like this, you are still very important to YOU.   There is no reason for you to sink yourself into a nightmare not of your own making.   Loving at the speed of Life can be possible for those willing to discover the lovely life living within with The One (God) in you.  BUT, you have to be willing to dispose of the haze, the fantasy, the lies about pain being the happiest you will ever be.

REMEMBER  You are loved....and Loved RIGHT NOW!

As you could imagine, with two very successful careers, a loving marriage and healthy family outcomes,  a large well kept home made for a good life.  Louise was not only a great career woman, she also was able to manage the appearance of their home. 

While Louise loved the "Super Mom" magnets that stuck to the fridge, her job was daily demanding more from her.  She was growing tired of leaving the house for a three day business trip and arriving home to a mess.  Henry was doing very little to keep up with keeping the house clean.  And, so were the kids.

"Lou" was beginning to resent the messy situations developing in her home. She was feeling no body, especially her husband,  seemed to pay much attention to what she'd wanted, a clean home.   Henry, when asked why he was not helping out had become somewhat retiscent to her persistent calls for help.  Eventually, the couple would find their way into counseling.  If that would not work, sadly divorce was close to becoming an option. 

Hello again....Welcome back to another opportunity to illuminate Five Habits Women Want from Their Men.  This blog I recently found, written by a guy, is another point of view on how Perfect Women and Men can love each other by knowing how love works.

Three days ago, we explored the value of showing some appreciation for a woman through genuine signs of acceptance through compliments.  We revealed how giving a compliment means being attentive to the woman (or man) who just may be making efforts to listen how the other is expressing their love.  

A couple of days ago, we explored the meaning and purpose of always remaining in contact with your loved one through special love notes or acts of recognition and intentions for the relationship's becoming. We expressed how the weight of the "I love you!" sticky note on the mirror may be less than an ounce but the weight of saying "you are listening" to how he or she is loving you weighs heavy and thoughtful in a loved one's heart.